Sparks
by A Taste for Tragedy
Summary: Set in season 3. What should and could have been true love between Nate and Jenny; a multi-chaptered fic that highlights the ups and downs of loving someone so strongly, nothing can keep you apart.
1. Chapter One

_"I'll never let this go  
But I can't find the words to tell you  
I don't want to be alone  
But now I feel like I don't know you."_

_-Paramore_

Jenny saw him twice before he left. He went far away, a thousand miles away, so far away an ocean was between them. Each run-in with him haunted her mind for days, each fragment of his voice and face sped around her mind like water that just couldn't be caught. She tried to forget any memory she had of him. She'd shove the occurrence into a bottle and cast it out into her mental sea, ready to be forgotten forever and ever. But then he'd come back into her life, the bottles would shatter, and a million painful memories would explode in her mind like terrible fireworks.

The first time was some hours after graduation at a bar. Jenny could clearly remember the large crowd present; every one of them had shown up because of a mass invitation from Gossip Girl. She could remember Vanessa beside her and Dan on Vanessa's other side and then Nate beside Dan, just around the corner of the bar; he was at such an angle that it was far too easy to look into his eyes. And it was Jenny's foolishness to look away from Vanessa and Dan as they talked about some foreign movie they'd seen together recently. It was Jenny's mistake to look directly up and into oh-so-familiar blue eyes that she hadn't looked into in ages, and for a moment she was absolutely knocked breathless because he was actually _looking _at her with that boyish curiosity he used to gaze at her with. And then she smiled at him feebly, and he smiled too.

"Excited for summer?" She found herself asking him this in the same manner she had spoken to him at the play months ago: shyly, almost as if she were afraid of him.

"I actually really am. I'm interning at the mayor's office, and at the very least, the political field will be interesting to explore."

Jenny's eyes lit up enthusiastically. "Nate, that's so great! I'm so happy for you." She had known him for a little more than a year now, ever since that kiss at midnight at the masquerade -- one of those strangely beautiful but painful memories that she would never forget -- and she understood that Nate had been a lost soul for a long time. He constantly just went with the flow; he hardly ever took charge of the direction his life was going in. Her eyes flickered around the bar for a moment and she caught sight of Blair in front of Serena, gazing out the window at something. "My internship at Eleanor's was such a great experience. I'm sure your internship will be great for you too. I mean, at the very least, it'll be more productive than a lot of other things you could do this summer." She was grinning at him and he was grinning at her and things felt perfect for a moment.

And then she realized what she said, and she felt it, she felt the motivated conversation dying just like _that_ because Vanessa and Dan had gotten quiet. Jenny had forgotten that Nate was supposed to spend the summer with Vanessa in Europe, and her heart wrenched a little as she looked back at Nate, whose eyes were serious again. She hated that expression in his eyes so much that she turned around and grabbed Eric's arm as if she had to speak to him, and he understood. Eric understood because he was her best friend.

There were too many memories tied with such a solemn, expectant expression.

A week passed. She became Queen of the UES. She was able to package her memories of Nate once more and ship them away.

But then he came again, just after she'd started a new stage of her life, just after her silly coronation. Jenny had laid out the rules for next year and left the restaurant ten minutes after Blair had; there was no need for her to stay any longer with the girls who had made her high school career hell. And although they at first were determined to follow her when she got up, Jenny ordered them to stay. And they had listened! The lost puppy expressions on their faces made Jenny break into hysterical giggles as soon as she stepped out of the restaurant; she tipped her face up to the sun, its warmth kissing her cheeks, and she closed her eyes for just a moment. A familiar male voice washed her smile away as the pain broke out of its cage and ravaged her body.

"Jenny?"

She opened her eyes and looked upon the form of Nate Archibald and her heart did that sad rattle in her chest like it always did these days when she saw him. She managed to say hello in response, and his eyes eyes focused on the sparkly black headband on her head.

"You're one of them again?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with shock. Before Jenny could even think he'd stepped closer to her and gestured her to the side of the street so that they were no longer in people's way.

The hysterical giggles that had died so prematurely were now back in full force. Jenny could hardly breathe as she laughed, and she had to lean against the brick wall of the restaurant. "Nate... what's with you lately? First you think that Blair and I are Gossip Girl -- a team, if I recall correctly. Now you think I'm a Mean Girl?" She giggled again, and he was laughing too. "No, I'm Queen now. Think of it as my tiara." She grinned at him and she felt like it was old times; Jenny then noticed that he was dressed up quite nicely. "Oh, what's this? You're dressed pretty nicely, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I had to wear it for the internship at the Mayor's office. But I quit today. I'm going with Vanessa to Europe this summer instead."

Jenny blinked in suprise. "Wow. That's..." She smiled weakly at him. "Why'd you quit?"

"One of the older women had hit on me, and I just wasn't interested in another cougar. I wanted to prove that what Gossip Girl said was wrong." His eyes had narrowed, the happy expression replaced by that angry expression that reminded her of the look he'd given her at the Snowflake Ball so many months ago. "I was expecting you to be happy for me." This reminded her so much of the conversation they'd had at Aaron Rose's art show so many months ago, hours before he'd kissed her, when Jenny had told Nate that she'd quit Eleanor's. But this was different.

"It's just that... Nate, you've only been there a week. Couldn't you have just said no and kept working?" She took a deep breath here, not looking at his face but at her hands as she said quietly, "And isn't this still proving what Gossip Girl said is right? You and Blair broke up recently, and now you're going to Europe with your ex, and you'll probably hook up. Wouldn't it be better to pursue something that isn't a girl to prove Gossip Girl wrong?"

"What the hell? Maybe I'm just tired of doing what my family wants me to do, maybe I want to see the world. Do you seriously still have something against Vanessa after all this time?" He paused for a moment, crossing his arms. "What are you going to do this time to get even with her?"

Jenny sucked in her breath and looked at Nate straight in the eyes, pulling herself together. His words from the Ball replayed in her head, her insides were shaking, and this time he wasn't going to walk away from her. "Hold on now," she stated, a hint of fury seeping through her otherwise calm voice. "You have no right to speak to me like that. None. What happened at the Ball was a long time ago and I've changed since then - but obviously, you haven't. And I never got to speak up for myself that night. So I'll say it now: I tried to stop things, okay? She's gotten over that night, so why haven't you? At the charity gala when I went after her, you held me back; why is it then that you are so quick to defend her now? Why is it that whenever a girl makes a mistake, be it me or Blair, you flip out? Why can't you handle it, when in fact you're no saint? How could you write that letter and then throw it in my face when you've done far worse things than I?" Her heart twisted as she recalled the letter she'd never read. "You hurt me that night, Nate. You hurt me far worse than Vanessa could have because you made it black and white; she was the victim, I was the oppressor when in fact it worked both ways. She and I both did terrible things. You said I wasn't the girl you thought I was, but you're not who I thought you were, either."

She looked at him a last time, into those blue eyes she had loved, the blue eyes that had controlled her heart, and she realized that she was still angry at him. In fact, her frustration and hurt toward Nate Archibald had increased tenfold with every word she'd just spoken. And then it was fading, receding like ocean waves, ebbing back and forth. "Do you know how many nights I cried after that, because you'd hurt me?" Jenny paused, looking into Nate's tense blue eyes unflinchingly. "Too many."

This time she was the one who walked away, and Nate was the one who stared silently after her.

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed! Please comment and stay tuned.  
**


	2. Chapter Two

_"I've been jumping from the tops of buildings  
For the thrill of the fall, ignoring sound advice  
And any thought of consequence.  
My bones are shattered. My pride is shattered.  
And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain,  
I can see my beautiful rescue."_

_-This Providence_

The days passed. An airplane containing Nate and Vanessa departed from New York at 1:00 pm exactly on the first day of June. Jenny breathed again, the bottles of memories in her mind sealed and thrown out to sea, floating on the surface, unable to drown. But the seas in her mind that contained the memories of him were angry, constantly churning and battering those bottles.

Her eyes were trained on the cloudless June sky that lay just beyond the wall of the window in Eric's room. A week had passed since Nate's departure to Europe and Jenny had spent almost every day since with Eric. She wondered sometimes how Erik and Jonathan dealt with her being there all the time; she knew that she was a third wheel, and always tried to show up later than Jonathan or leave a few hours early so that the two could have some time together. She didn't have many friends, and frankly, that was sad for a Queen of the UES.

Eric's voice called her name, and Jenny looked away from the window. Jonathan and Eric had gone downstairs a little while ago, and she had heard their voices in the kitchen at one point, but she hadn't thought anything of it. She raised her eyebrows at her friend, who had just entered the bedroom, and he grinned at her. "Jenny," he said again, taking her hand and pulling her off the window seat. "Jonathan and I have been thinking. You've been so incredibly supportive of us from day one, and we're grateful to you for it." Eric took her out of the room, looking thoughtful. "And to be honest, we think you should start dating again. You've been hurting over Nate too long, and Wes doesn't count because you only saw him that once." He laughed here at the scandalized, shocked expression on Jenny's face. "We hate to see you this way... so we did some searching, and we found someone for you. He's in the kitchen right now."

"Eric!" Jenny exclaimed as quietly as she could, not sure if she should be offended or angry or excited or grateful. The kitchen was silent; her feet sounded loud on the steps. "I am _not _hurting over Nate. In fact, I'm pissed as hell at him! I don't even think it's possible for me to forgive him at this point. I just... I don't know..."

Eric looked at her with his kind eyes and was silent for a moment. "You really need to stop wallowing, J."

Jenny finally nodded with agreement as Eric tightened his grip on her hand and led her into the kitchen. Her eyes first landed on Jonathan's pleased, easy smile, and then transferred to the tall boy by his side. His eyes were dark and so was his hair; his lips were thick and immediately she could tell that they could be easily turned into a smile at any time. Eric and Jonathan had done well, maybe even better than that. His eyes weren't blue like a certain other boy's, his hair wasn't light and floppy and straight, his complexion wasn't porcelain and pale. He wasn't wearing a suit and tie or anything by Ralph Lauren or some other expensive designer.

He smiled at her, and Jenny smiled shyly. She had been so sheltered in the past few months, so kept to herself that meeting someone new --not just that, but someone who could actually be romantically interested in her-- felt strange. Or maybe Nate had just scarred her more than she thought.

"Jenny," she introduced herself, stretching her hand out for him to shake.

His large hand shook hers, and he was still smiling. "Scott."

* * *

"I still can't believe Dan met you before I did," Jenny said for maybe the hundredth time in the past two months. The sun was setting beneath thick August clouds and she and Scott were taking a stroll around the city, a few of Jenny's shopping bags in Scott's hands. She had spent much of her time during the summer with Scott; the two often paired up with Eric and Jonathan as well.

Scott laughed. "Jenny, I told you that the first day I met you. And I told you that I met some girl named Vanessa, and some guy with brown hair that was hitting on her."

Jenny's smile slackened a little. "Do you seriously keep forgetting that his name's Nate?" She asked, looking up at him and raising her eyebrows.

Scott raised his eyebrows right back down at her. "Well honestly, from the little that you've told me about him, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't deserve to be referred by any name that doesn't rhyme with masshole. And he was just too smooth for my liking when I met him, anyway."

Jenny couldn't respond; she had nothing to say to defend Nate. As she and Scott walked along, she looked down at the iced coffee in her hands and recalled that first day she'd spent with him.

Scott had been surprisingly easy to talk to there in the Van der Woodsen's kitchen. He seemed genuinely interested in what Jenny had to say, and she could feel some of her old confidence slowly returning. After the damaging experiences with Agnes and Nate, Jenny's confidence and trust in other people had been almost totally destroyed. And even now, she still couldn't give Scott her complete trust. But she was nearly there. It was just that sometimes he would express too much of an interest when she spoke about her family, and the way that he looked at Rufus the two times he had come to visit her home bothered her.

But maybe what made her trust him more than anything else was what he'd done that first night. He'd walked Jenny home, and she could read tension upon his features as they stalled at the doors of her building. Jonathan and Eric were waiting down the street silently (they just wanted to hear him kiss her, she knew it) and expectantly.

He had been on the verge of speaking, but Jenny piped up first. "Scott, I can't lead you on," Jenny had said seriously, looking down at her hands. "I mean, I'm still... recovering from something, and I don't know how long it would take. So even though Eric and Jonathan want you and I to..."

Scott had smiled at her comfortingly. "I'm glad you told me that Jenny. Because you're a beautiful girl, but... I can't either. I can't be with anyone right now, especially you, but I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about it." He had tilted his head to the side a little, observing her. "I don't want to hurt you more than you have been. I'd like to be your friend more than anything else."

Jenny had grinned up at his face and thrown her arms around him then, because a friend was what she needed more than anything else -- the _only _thing she needed, really.

But Gossip Girl certainly didn't agree. Someone submitted a picture of the hug and from that point on, a frenzy had ensued. It became common for Jenny to log on to the website and see a photo of her and Scott taken only hours previous. In these photos, even the most innocent of gestures were easily misinterpreted. Jenny's leaning over to whisper in his ear turned out to look like she was pulling away from a kiss, Scott's gentle touch on the small of her back to steer her around a crowd of tourists looked like he was about to grab her butt, and running out of a club in the middle of the night with her hair all a mess from dancing looked like they'd just finished having sex in an alleyway. Was it so impossible for everyone to believe that a Queen Bee could be single? In every post he was dubbed as her _'mystery consort' _or her _'dark haired prince'. _She was surprised that Scott didn't just cut and run, but he just laughed it off, and she was eternally grateful.

Jenny jerked to attention when she felt tiny rain droplets hit the top of her head. "Aw, man," she groaned, ducking for shelter beneath the awning of a building. Scott had tilted his head toward the sky, mouth agape in attempt to catch some rain drops, and Jenny rolled her eyes. She grabbed on to his arm and pulled the boy toward her beneath the awning, shaking her head at him.

"You know New York rain isn't exactly the cleanest, right?" She teased, the shopping bags that Scott carried hitting her thighs as they crowded together beneath the tiny dry space.

She should have realized where she was before the limo pulled up to the home next door and Nate got out. She hunched her shoulders and tried to merge into Scott, hoping he wouldn't see. But he did. Nate's blue eyes widened a little, and Jenny realized how bad this must have looked. For heaven's sake, Scott was holding her _Victoria's Secret bags. _Not exactly the most innocent of bags to carry when paired with rumors of a relationship.

Nate stood there in front of his limo looking at her, his hands in his pockets; she looked at him and then at the butler exiting Nate's home to retrieve the suitcases that were being pulled out of the vehicle. He must have just returned home from Europe. Jenny looked up at Scott, and he looked down at her, his hand tense on her shoulder. And Scott could tell by her wide eyes and shaking hands that she was afraid of this, of going back to the broken girl that she was at the beginning of the summer, and Nate could see that too, that Scott had changed her for the better, and there was this pang of envy in his chest.

In silence Jenny mustered the strength to turn her back to Nate, took a deep breath, and began her way back to Brooklyn with her friend in tow. If she had looked back, maybe she'd have noticed Nate looking down at his phone in thought. If she had looked through his phone, maybe she would see that all of the Gossip Girl posts about her from the entirety of the summer were saved in his inbox, and maybe she'd see the many photos of herself and Scott in his photo gallery.

Maybe if she had looked into his heart, she would realize that the sight of her made Nate Archibald hurt, too.

* * *

**Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter :) If you forgot who Scott was, he appears at the end of the last episode of season 2. Rufus and Lily's lovechild who they think is dead, remember? Yeah, that sexy thing. ;) **.


	3. Chapter Three

_"Forgive me if I'm young  
Or speaking out of turn  
There's someone I've been missing  
I think that they could be  
The better half of me."_

_-Onerepublic_

Nate was home. Jenny couldn't wrap her mind around it. He'd been gone for so long that he had become a simple shadow in her mind. When she had seen his face so unexpectedly the bottles of the memories she had of him had exploded, but it was not as painful as the times previous, and she couldn't help but wonder why this was so. It certainly wasn't because she had fallen for someone else; although she and Scott were close, he was more like an older brother figure, a best friend even. And although Scott had introduced her to a couple of his friends at some parties they'd attended during the past two months, she hadn't really fallen for any of them.

Maybe she was over Nate; maybe she was still angry at him for the words he had said the last time they had seen each other. Jenny was still mulling over this the day after Nate's arrival; during lunch she simply stared into her bowl of spaghetti, her mind spinning and tumbling.

"Jenny?" She looked up to see Dan staring at her curiously. "You okay?"

"Y-yeah," she replied too quickly, causing her brother to raise his eyebrows.

"Scott not coming today?" He probed.

"No, he went to visit his family..." Jenny trailed off at the forlorn expression on Dan's face. "What?"

Dan shrugged. "Well honestly, I like the guy. You light up around him, and you've been all confident and stuff since you met him." Dan's eyes narrowed. "You sure you're not in a relationship? It's like he healed you, or something."

Jenny laughed weakly. Sadly this was not the first time she had heard this; everyone from Lily to Chuck had noticed. "He's just a good friend, and I've been needing one of those. I mean, after the Snowflake Ball I felt completely crushed--"

"Wait, what happened then?" Dan's dark eyes widened and Jenny cursed inwardly. She had never told Dan what Nate had said to her at the Snowflake Ball, but she was also surprised the guy hadn't figured it out. Had he never noticed the red eyes Jenny would emerge her room with every morning for about a month after? Jenny's eyes darted to the door, wondering if she could make an escape, and Dan shifted in his seat, noticing the direction her eyes flickered in. Damn. She had no choice but to finally tell him.

* * *

Jenny had no choice but to leave the house for the day after that. Five minutes after her story was done, Dan was still cussing out Nate Archibald at the top of his lungs on his cell phone -- and Jenny didn't even want to be there when her brother called up Vanessa. Jenny was actually surprised that Dan was angry with the girl; normally, Dan refused to see his best friend's faults. But when Jenny mentioned _that,_ Dan only seemed to feel worse.

"I'm the worst brother in the world. I'll make it up to you later Jen, promise," stated Dan before she left the loft, cupping his hand over the phone so that Nate couldn't hear his non-threatening, calm, almost apologetic voice. Jenny couldn't help but roll her eyes.

When she walked into Barnes and Noble about an hour later, Jenny still hadn't decided if she was mortified or relieved about Dan's reaction. She was a big girl and she could handle herself, but it also felt good now that Dan finally knew. Oh, she couldn't wait to tell Eric and Jonathan and most especially Scott -- the latter would most likely break into hysterical laughter. An easy smile crossed Jenny's face as she browsed through the books, her eyes finally landing on one in particular. It was about the royal Tudor family of England from many centuries ago, and it reminded her of her conversation with Blair a few months ago, when Blair had told her that she was the brunette's choice for queen.

_You have to be cool to be Queen. _Jenny recalled Blair's words and touched the headband on top of her head gently.

"Jenny?" A familiar male voice called her name and she looked into the eyes of Nate Archibald, only three feet away.

She sucked her breath in. "Nate," she said nervously. How was it that she always ran into him unexpectedly like this?

His eyes traveled from the headband to the book in her hands. "_The Tudors_?" He read aloud, raising his eyebrows at her. When she replied tensely that she was studying, Nate looked curious. "I've seen an episode of _The Tudors_ before. What kind of research are you doing, exactly?"

"Not _that _kind of research!" She exclaimed in reply to his mischievous, teasing facial expression. Why wasn't he angry that Dan had yelled at him?

Nate laughed. "Just checking," he said before his face turned serious. "Look, Jenny... can we talk?" When she nodded he sat down at a table and gestured for her to take the chair beside him. Jenny pushed her chair away from his a little so that there was more space between the two, and she trained her eyes on his face. He was so heartbreakingly beautiful; she could see that even though she was angry with him. And she hadn't seen him in so long. There was nothing wrong with looking, was there? Because there was nothing between them anymore. They were done -- they weren't even friends anymore.

"Dan called me this morning."

"I know..."

"You just told him what happened at the Snowflake Ball?" Nate questioned, not looking at her. Jenny nodded. Nate sighed. "Jenny... I'm sorry."

Jenny stared at him in disbelief. He turned his face to look at hers and he smiled. And he said it again, "I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you the way I did. If I had known... and the things you said to me before I left to Europe... I didn't realize those things. I'm sorry. I guess the night of the Ball I was just so afraid of your rejection that I had to reject you first. And Vanessa was the easy way out."

She was silent for a moment, just looking at him. His eyes were sincere. She smiled at him.

"You know, you were right Jenny. I should have stayed with my internship; I went and asked if I could have it back yesterday. Hopefully I'll get it back."

Jenny's smile widened. "Did Europe help you come to that decision?" She asked curiously, wanting to hear about his experience.

"Actually, yeah. It did. When we went backpacking we went through some areas that were poverty-stricken... it just taught me a lot of about the world. So I don't regret going to Europe at all, if anything, I think it's helped me see that the internship will be good for me. It really helped me realize that a lot of people don't have the privileges that I do, and if anything, I should help them to the best of my ability."

Jenny sat back in her seat, the goofiest of grins on her face. "Nate Archibald, I cannot believe what I'm hearing! That's so great! I'm so proud of you." Nate laughed, and there was that moment again that they had shared in many of their previous moments -- that connection, that spark of inevitable happiness.

"I actually brought you something back, this journal of the fashions and ideas of that Chanel lady. I figured you'd like it," he told her, his blue eyes bright as he leaned forward in his seat. Jenny was too flabbergasted to speak, and Nate backtracked. "Vanessa told me that I should have gotten you the earrings, but--"

"No, no, I love the idea of the book! Oh my gosh Nate, I'll love it so much." She wanted to hug him now, but she refrained, and Nate smiled once more. "How are you and Vanessa?" she asked timidly, not sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

Nate shrugged. "We hooked up a lot, but we're not in a relationship. If anything I think we were just getting on each other's nerves by the end. She actually met some guy in Paris who tagged along with us for a while..." He trailed off, looking like he wanted to say something.

"What?" Jenny asked curiously, pushing her blonde bangs away from her eyes.

"Nothing," he responded. "Just that... you really would have liked Europe. I can see you in Paris one day."

Jenny smiled. "Really?" She was flattered. Jenny was about to ask about Paris when she got a text from her father, telling her to come home. Unwillingly, she got to her feet. "I have to go. I'll see you around."

"Wait, Jenny -- are we friends now? Can we be?"

Jenny looked down at him, her lips tense. With Nate it was hard to know how she felt about him. Finally she sighed and nodded.

"We can try."

* * *

**Thank you Susan for the idea for this chapter. Also thank you to everyone who reviews. Those reviews inspire me to keep writing this story so keep reviewing!  
**


	4. Chapter Four

_"I picked out your star, turned night to day  
A simple whisper from your voice  
And I fade away  
You wish for love, you pushed me away  
Your love for me was everything I need,  
The air I breathe."  
-The All American Rejects_

The fact that she had her head on his shoulder, the fact that here they were sitting in some beautiful, hidden park and watching night fade to day was surreal to him. Nate raised his head back, training his eyes on a particular star so that he could memorize its exact location before it faded away. He felt her yawn and he smiled gently, tipping his chin down to look at her tear-stained face, and he tightened his grip around her. She didn't love him anymore, he knew that -- she couldn't. He had hurt her far too badly.

But he had never really been able to let Jenny go.

* * *

Several hours previous, a party had been taking place in one of the fraternity houses at NYU. Blair had invited Nate to it, and although only a week of school had passed, Nate had already figured out that the NYU parties were far superior than those held at Columbia.

And so there Nate was just a half hour before midnight, smoking one of the best blunts he'd had in his life on a lumpy couch with Chuck.

"Who is that guy?" Nate asked curiously, jutting his chin in the direction of a tall dark haired boy.

"Little J's boyfriend,"Chuck replied distractedly, his eyes on Blair, who was chatting up one of the fraternity boys.

"What's his name?"

"Scott." Chuck looked over at Nate, raising his eyebrows a bit. "Do I detect a bit of jealousy in your tone, Nathaniel?"

"No," he said defensively. "I just don't like him. How can Dan be okay with him dating Jenny? He freaked out when I was with her?"

Chuck hesitated. "Because he's good for her," he said honestly. "You weren't here this summer to see, but he just lights her up. I don't know why she keeps denying that they're together, everyone knows it." His dark eyes transferred back to Blair's body, and Nate rolled his eyes. He stayed silent, absorbing the implication that he wasn't good enough for Jenny. He had nothing to say in response to that -- he was too busy trying to understand why in the world he felt this jealous, this protective, this hurt. He and Jenny were done. Not only that, but they had separated by his choice. So why was it that now, so many months after he could have had her, that he cared? Was it because she was unattainable? Had he made a mistake back in December when he chose Vanessa over Jenny, and was he seriously just now realizing it?

"Well Archibald, I'm afraid I must depart. Duty calls," the dark-haired boy said with his trademark smirk, handing Nate the rest of his blunt. He made his way to Blair, pressed his hand lightly against her hip and whispered something in her ear. Blair swatted at him as she laughed but pulled closer a moment later, pressing her forehead against Chuck's neck as he towed her away from the frat boy and to the door. Nate couldn't help but smile -- they were a funny couple, lemony and sweet and violent and cautious at the same time.

"They're a good couple, aren't they?" Nate heard a voice and looked up; Scott was standing directly in front of him, his head turned in Chuck and Blair's direction for a moment before looking down at Nate. "She's in my marketing class. She lights up when she talks about him."

"She has the same effect on him, I assure you. Do you want to sit?" Nate asked, feeling tense and gesturing to Chuck's former spot. Scott accepted. "Smoke?" He offered, holding out Chuck's unfinished one. Nate took a drag of his own and raised an eyebrow at the other boy.

"No thanks. I'm just a drinking man." Scott gestured to the beer in his left hand and Nate shrugged.

"How's Jenny?" Nate inquired; he hadn't heard from the girl in at least a week.

"She's good. I came over last night." Scott replied nonchalantly, glancing down at his cell phone. Nate sucked in his breath a little too hard and held back a cough. What the hell? So they were sleeping together, and Scott just said it like _that_, what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck..."How's uh... Alyssa? Daniella? Damn... oh yeah, Vanessa."

"Uh... We're not in a relationship. We just went to Europe together." Like that sounded any better. At least Scott was Jenny's boyfriend while they were sleeping together. Nate and Vanessa certainly hadn't felt the need to be in a relationship to sleep together. Nate felt almost ashamed of himself, and there was this feeling in his chest that Scott had stolen something from him. Maybe he just missed being close friends with Jenny. Nate took a heavy drag from his blunt to clear his head, and Scott drank from his bottle, and there was silence for a while. Nate felt as if he were sitting next to the anti-version of him; they were two complete opposites of each other, one was dark, one was light, one drank, one smoked, one wore expensive clothing, one wore clothes you could find at the mall. Jenny may have been their only similarity.

"Ah." Scott suddenly got to his feet and clapped his hand on Nate's back, his stride a little unsteady as he walked away and to a blonde that had apparently just entered the building. He wrapped his arms around the girl and lifted her up, spinning her around, and Nate coughed as he realized that it was none other than Jenny. Jenny and that smile she used to flash at him, but now it was trained on Scott's face as she looked into his eyes and it almost made Nate want to throw his blunt to the ground and march up there and push Scott aside because that smile used to belong to him, it was his, but Scott had stolen it.

What was she doing here? It was past midnight. Her father would never allow her out this late to a party like this one. Nate leaned forward in his seat a little, his blue eyes carefully watching. The way she looked into Scott's eyes before she looked away (had Scott just shot a direct look at him?), the way the dark-haired boy put his arm around her waist as he introduced her to a friend (his hand was a little too low there)-- it all made Nate sick, and he closed his eyes.

* * *

It was one in the morning and Nate was ready to leave. After saying goodbye to a few friends he exited the frat house; smoking had lost its usual appeal tonight. The drugs he normally did made him feel calm and at peace with the world. However, it was a bit difficult to feel like everything was okay when he had to watch a certain blonde dance with another guy. And sure, Nate had tried to dance with another girl, another blonde, but for some reason his eyes would always flicker across the room to check on that other girl once more.

The air was cool outside. Nate called up his limo, noticing a couple nearby; the boy was leaning against the railing of the steps, his back to Nate, and the girl-- Jenny?

"Jenny, J-Jenny..." Nate could tell right off the bat that Scott was drunk. "I need to tell you sssomething, Jenny. I have to tell you... But I can't..."

"What is it? Scott, what is it?" Jenny's half-lit face was clearly worried.

"Remember how a few mmmmonths ago your dad and Lily went off looking for their kid and his parents told them that he was dead? Well he's not, I'm him, I'm your half-brother, J, and I'm sorry I lied to you, I wanted to tell you but I didn't want to hurt you like I said that first day, I don't want to hurt you more than you have been already, don't be mad, please don't be--"

"You shouldn't have had so much to drink." Jenny interrupted, taking his hand. Her voice was weak. "Stop being silly." Her voice, it was that voice that pained Nate -- so much like Blair's when she was in denial, refusing to see something, looking for an escape. It scared Nate because Blair had used that voice so often with him in desperation to work things out and he had hurt Blair so badly, and Jenny didn't need to use that tone, she didn't need to fight for a way to make things better with Scott.

Scott snatched his hand away from her. "Stop denying it! Jenny, you had to have figured it out by now, all those q-questions I asked you."

She was silent. Scott took another gulp from his beer and she spoke. Her voice was a harsh whisper. "Stop..."

"No Jenny, y-you stop. Fucking accept it. I lied to you, okay? I knew who you were when I met you. S-same with Eric, same with Dan. You didn't mean anything to me when I met you."

Were there tears on her face? Nate had felt paralyzed until she shifted and the streetlight hit her watery eyes, a tear rolling down the side of her nose. "But you've been my best friend these past few months."

"Well, that wasn't my intention, I can assure you." Scott replied, his voice rough as he threw the bottle on the floor. Jenny winced openly, and Nate moved toward them angrily as his limo pulled up.

"You're coming home with me. Stay the hell away from her from now on, asshat." Nate stated furiously, wrapping his hand around Jenny's thin wrist. She struggled, and Nate gave her a look. "I'm not letting you go home with him, and you're not going alone either. So don't even try or I'll call Dan up right now." Scott reached out toward Jenny, mumbling something as he caught her elbow, and Nate shoved him off. Jenny buried her face in her hands and Nate brought her into the limo, shouting curses behind him to the drunk boy.

It was silent in the limo after the drove off except for Jenny's crying. She buried her face into her knees, sobbing, and Nate didn't know what to do. He made to rub her back lightly but she shook him off, her body curled in to her knees and her feet planted on the limo's carpet. Her arms were wrapped around her body as if she were desperate to keep herself in one piece, and Nate wanted to help her, wanted to fix up her broken heart so it was all better. He would do anything to see her smile, have her yell at him, have her ignore him -- anything but this.

She lifted her head up abruptly. "You shouldn't have come in, Nate. I can take care of myself," she said in a wobbly voice, looking right at him with angry blue eyes.

He looked a her calmly. "I know," he said softly. For some reason he couldn't get angry at her when she looked at him with eyes as anguished as these. "But I can't not protect you."

She was crying again, gently this time. "That's lie. Where the hell have you been this past half year then, Nate? Where?" She demanded angrily, brushing at the trails of mascara beneath her eyes. "Why do you do this? Why do you tell each and every girl you're with exactly what she wants to hear even if it isn't the truth? Remember when you told me at the guerrilla fashion show that whatever I decided, you were with me? Bullshit. Fucking bullshit!" She stamped her foot angrily and buried her face in her knees again, sobbing once more.

Nate stared at her wide-eyed, feeling pangs of regret. Yes, he lost interest in women a lot. But when he said things to girls he dated, he meant the words he said most of the time. And when he drifted away, they felt it, he didn't lead them on to make them feel as if he were still interested. And he also came to the realization that his argument was very, very weak indeed.

"I'm sorry. I meant it when I said it. I'm sorry, Jenny. I don't know why I left you. You know that I used to be... that I still may be.. so lost. But I'm trying to change, I really am, I'm trying to find who I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry," he said. And Jenny pulled her head up and looked into his eyes and nodded a little, because she saw the sincerity in his expression.

"Scott must be fucking twisted to be your boyfriend with the knowledge that you're related."

"Scott and I weren't ever together, Nate. Please don't say you actually believed Gossip Girl." She laughed a little at the flabbergasted expression on Nate's face, tears still trailing down her face, and pushed herself into his arms, into the arms that were once the only home she needed, and she cried into his chest.

She stayed with him that night. Jenny had told Rufus that she was sleeping over at Eric's, and she had texted Eric saying not to worry, that she was staying somewhere else that night because Eric was her best friend and she couldn't lie to him, especially not about something like Scott's confession. And so she came to Nate's empty home and they sat on his couch and he gave her ice cream. She couldn't sleep; neither could he. He wiped her face for her and tended to her and let her wet his shirt with her tears. He gave her the book of designs and she flipped through them while he studied for his Calculus class. And Jenny laughed when he told her that Math was his strong point because there were no feelings attached, no hidden literary terms or searching for emotions that weren't on the surface, just formulas and equations. She laughed even harder when he put on his glasses for her, had to try them on for herself and ended up doing his homework with him -- more like learning how to do it, really. It felt good like this, having her legs loop with his and her head on his shoulder as she ate another bowl of ice cream silently, occasionally feeding him some playfully as he computed numbers in hs head. It was perfect, for a time, until it was near dawn and she said that she had to get to Eric's. They took a cab but there was a park near Eric's home, so they stopped and sat on a bench there, and for the first time in a long time, Nate felt alive.

"There." Nate nudged her side gently, pointing up to the sky where there was a single, solitary star, a rare thing to see in New York. "That's your star." A long time ago, back when Blair was his, he used to try to make her happy when she was sad by picking out a star for her. But for some reason it was never enough, it never made her as happy as a necklace would, and so now he looked down at Jenny to see what her reaction would be.

Jenny's sad face lit up as she looked at it. "All mine? Really?" She teased in a whisper, staring at it for a long time before resting her head appreciatively against Nate's shoulder, and together they watched the sun rise before he took her to Eric's.

Nate felt something different now -- that he had all the time in the world with Jenny, that he had to prove himself worthy first, that he had to wait and see if the sparks were still there a month from now. He would wait. He could wait for Jenny Humphrey.

* * *

**Gracias for the reviews everyone. Please review even if you don't like the story because I enjoy all criticisms and such. And of course your comments are what keep me going. Thanks again!  
**


	5. Chapter Five

_"Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh  
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh  
__Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting  
next to me will bring life into my deepest hopes,__  
What's your fantasy? Cause I was born to tell you I love you  
and I am torn to do what I have to to make you mine."  
-Secondhand Serenade_

A month passed. September became October, the city got colder, and Nate's coursework at Columbia got harder. He felt as if he couldn't even find a few moments to breathe at times, let alone visit Jenny. Besides, it wasn't as if Dan would be alright with Nate being within five feet of Jenny now that he knew what had happened at the Snowflake Ball. Nate certainly understood and didn't blame Dan. He had to prove himself first, and for the entirety of September, he devoted himself to that goal. There were times when Nate could feel his brain slowly collapsing from exhaustion until he couldn't see straight. If he wasn't doing school work then he was at his internship, slowly and steadily climbing up the ladder there so that he could finally get to a position where he could do something important for once. Sometimes he felt as if he were drowning, if it could be called that, but drowning for a cause. Each text he got from Jenny kept him sane, and once or twice he was able to visit her at her school, and each time she looked at him with concern and admiration all at once, and it was the best feeling in the world. It was almost twisted, the way he enjoyed suffering for her.

One afternoon in early October, while Nate was sorting documents, he looked up and saw the visage of Jenny Humphrey just beyond the glass doors, waving at him with a weak smile on her face. Nate barely managed to refrain from dropping all of the papers. It had been at least two weeks since Nate had seen her in person, but they'd kept a little contact through texting. Nate glanced around at the other interns, and a few of them were raising their eyebrows at him expectantly, while some were too absorbed in their work to notice the blonde at the door. Nate put the documents down and practically slithered his way out of the room, attempting to be as quiet and, for lack of better word, Chuck-like as possible.

"Jenny!" He exclaimed, blinking a few times to wash away his fatigue and make sure this wasn't some illusion. "It's so great to see you. What's up?"

"Chuck told me that you've been busting your butt here, and Dan says that college students always appreciate home cooked meals, so..." Jenny trailed off and waved a brown bag sheepishly. "I made you lunch."

So she had been talking to Chuck about him. Nate's face lit up at that, and he took the bag from her. "Thank you so much, Jenny. I really appreciate this... wait, you came all the way from Brooklyn to give me lunch?" Nate had a feeling that there was another motive to Jenny's visit, and he was right. He led her outside of the building to a table outside, pulling out a chair for her and then sitting across the table.

"Well, to be honest, I also really wanted to get out of my house." Jenny scowled and Nate raised his eyebrows at her as he rifled through the bag of food, pulling out a bowl of chicken soup -- his favorite, as she'd learned from the time he'd stayed in the loft a year ago. "Scott came today."

Now Nate was frowning. "That's the first time since the party, right?"

Jenny nodded. "He didn't even look at me. Just pushed right past me and asked to see Lily and my dad right then and there. So I decided to put together some food, and we'd just had chicken soup so I put some of that for you too. It was totally spur of the moment." Jenny paused here, pulling out a spoon from the bag and handing it to Nate. "But Chuck _did _tell me you've been super busy. I'm sorry I couldn't visit earlier."

"Don't apologize. I should be apologizing to you for being so distant lately," Nate replied before taking a sip of the rapidly cooling soup. He never wanted to hear Jenny apologize when he was the one who had damaged her in the first place. Nate hated to admit it, but he owed Scott his eternal gratitude for healing Jenny while he'd been stupid and away in Europe. "But look. I really think you should stay away from Scott, okay? I don't like that guy."

Surprisingly, she laughed. "You know, Scott said the same exact thing to me about you this summer."

Nate leaned forward across the table a little, looking into her blue eyes intensely, and he caught that familiar vanilla scent that was all hers and he felt the strands of hair on the nape of his neck stand up. "Do you want me to stay way from you, Jenny?" He asked quietly, not looking away from her eyes.

She was silent for a moment, just looking at him, and he could tell that she wasn't going to lie to him because she had never been able to. "I don't want you to." She whispered, and a strand of blonde hair fell in front of her eyes and he hesitantly tucked it behind her ear. His fingers felt as if they were on fire and he dropped them to the table, resisting the urge to trail his fingers from her hair to her jaw and cheekbone. All of a sudden Jenny leaned back and so did he, the trance broken.

The feelings for her were still there even after not seeing her for weeks, and Nate knew, he just knew, that without her none of this would be happening. He wouldn't be working so hard at his internship or on his schoolwork. He didn't mind at all, he enjoyed this challenge, because -- at long last he realized-- Jenny Humphrey was worth it. He didn't mind not sleeping at night or not seeing other girls or not smoking as much as he used to because as long as he was hers in the end, everything would be okay.

As he realized this Jenny was mumbling something about having to leave and getting to her feet. Nate got to his feet as well, clutching the bag of food like an anchor.

"Jenny," he said abruptly when she took a step away. She turned around to face him expectantly. "A friend of mine is holding a movie screening this weekend. A bunch of Columbia students will be there, and this is going to sound really lame, but will you come with me?" He grinned at her now. "My friends are always trying to hook me up with these girls that aren't really my type, and I can't think of any other girl I'd be more comfortable going with."

Her eyes scanned his face for a minute. "So you want me to come as like a fake date?" She asked curiously, looking amused and intrigued.

Nate nodded. "Exactly."

* * *

It was official: She was perfect.

Jenny molded in easily with the students at Columbia. Most of them came from the same background as Nate-- lots of money in their trust funds, powerful families, designer clothing-- and she fit right in even though she wasn't supposed to belong there. She didn't shun her Brooklyn roots, but she didn't reject the ways of the Upper Class either. She was a chameleon, shooting from one role to the other in half a second, and Nate was blown away by it. With Blair it had always been about the upper class society; with Vanessa, it had been about rejecting it. With Jenny, he could do both. He could go to a gala with her or ride the subway to a pizza parlor on her side of town. There, that night in a park just near his university with the October evening air a little chilly, he realized that she wasn't just perfect -- she was perfect for _him_, and he had known it since day one but had been much too afraid to admit it. He had been in a relationship with Blair for years. Maybe he had been afraid to launch into another long term relationship and had settled for things that couldn't last. Maybe he had been intimidated or afraid or inadequate or insecure. But now he knew that Jenny Humphrey was good for him, and that he was good for her, to.

Her perfection was in the way she looked in her midnight blue trenchcoat and jeans, totally and completely comfortable with her little headband absent from her head because here royalty didn't matter. It was in the way she absorbed and contributed to the conversations his friends carried, always at ease, always attentive to what Nate said, too. It was in her genuine smile, the way her eyes would light up or darken at certain topics, the way her hand brushed against Nate's like _this _when one of his friends attempted to approach with a hopeful looking girl in tow, and there would be sparks burning his skin at the spots she so carelessly had touched. She took his breath away, each and every moment, every second, until he wasn't quite sure how he was standing there feeling so high when he hadn't had a blunt in a week.

When it came time to watch the movie they had to lay out on blankets. Nate laid down and Jenny sat beside him, her knees up and her elbows wrapped around them, pulling them close to her body. Nate was too exhausted to sit up; he put his hands beneath his head and tilted his chin down to see the screen properly. The movie started and Nate looked over to see that she was shivering.

"You okay?" Nate asked, sitting up on his elbows.

"Just cold." She murmured, and Nate looked at her silently for moment before stretching out a hand and beckoning to her with his fingers.

"Come here."

He became nervous as she looked at him with the most serious of expressions in her eyes and then she slipped her hand in his and he pulled her close to him. They were lying down and he had his arm around her, and Jenny was tense at first, just huddled by his side. It became bittersweet then; she pulled into him too carefully, finally resting her head on his chest, one of her arms looping around his stomach. Nate closed his eyes for a moment before looking at the top of her head, and her face was tilted away from him, and he felt like they were curled up to fall sleep together, not to watch a movie.

If he could have seen her face, maybe he would have seen that her eyes were wide open, transfixed on the movie but not seeing it. If he had taken in every little detail he would have noticed that her fingers were curled lightly into his chest as if she were holding on to him, that her legs were meshing with his, that she could hear the beat of his heart underneath her ear. It was bittersweet the way they got to hold each other now because her heart was opening up to him and it was painful for her because she was afraid, so afraid that this was all an illusion, that he hadn't really changed, that it was all pretend.

He was the only one she needed, and she was the only one that he needed, and that night under the stars was when they both realized it.

* * *

**Hope you guys liked the chapter, please review!**


	6. Chapter Six

_"I think that possibly, maybe I've fallen for you  
Yes, there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you  
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine now I'm  
shining too- because, oh because I've fallen quite hard  
over you. If I didn't know you, I'd rather not know,  
If I couldn't have you, I'd rather be alone."_

_-Landon Pigg_

She couldn't believe she'd fallen for Nate again. Ever since Jenny had first met him, he had held control over a portion of her heart. At first that piece had been very small, but with time, it had expanded. He was rather like a conqueror, stealing land piece by piece, and she didn't know if she minded or not. Nate was different now, though. He'd shown her that. She recalled when he had held her in the park at night to keep her warm, the way her heart had felt as if it were being cut open and exposed. The strangest thing was that she didn't mind. She didn't mind being exposed in front of Nate Archibald because lately she was seeing a different side of him, a side that she both admired and feared at the same time. Every time she closed her eyes now she recalled sitting on his couch with him a month ago and sharing ice cream, or the tingly feeling her palms had gotten when he had touched her hair that one day at his internship, or the way she'd listened to the melody of his heart at the park...

On a Thursday night about a week after her outing with Nate to his friend's movie premiere, she got a text from him. She had been doing her homework on a couch in the loft; Rufus and Lily had called off their engagement and Jenny and Rufus had decided to stay in the loft months ago. Secretly she was relieved, not for just the sakes of Dan and Serena, but because it was just too weird not living in Brooklyn anymore.

_'Going to that charity gala Saturday night?' _His text asked. She practically flung her homework off her lap as she go to her feet, immediately pacing as her heart began to beat too fast for its own good. Even the smallest, most insignificant message from Nate did this to her and she could hide it from him fairly easily, but what was going on inside of her was a total mess. She shouldn't have felt this nervous. Nate was... not worth her time? No, he was. Her Prince Charming? No, because he had his faults and Prince Charmings were overrated anyway. Her other half?

Yes, that had to be it.

_'Lily and my dad want "the family" to tag along. So that means yeah, I'll be there, along with Eric and Serena and Dan and Chuck and probably Blair too. Why?'_

_'Well, I might need you to act as my fake date again... Mom likes introducing all the eligible socialites to me, and they're just not my type.'_

Jenny was beginning to wonder what exactly was his type.

_'Oh, damn. I'll have to cancel on Edward Cullen... But sure, why not?'_

Why not indeed.

* * *

She was beautiful that night. Jenny always took his breath away, of course. But when she arrived with her family at the gigantic manor by the harbor where the gala was being held, he could hardly move or breathe. He was absolutely paralyzed. He barely managed to look away from her when he shook the hands of her father and Dan and Chuck, who looked absolutely amused because Chuck was Chuck and knew Nate better than almost anyone.

She'd done something to her eyes so that they were bluer than he could ever recall and her hair was straightened and Blair was smirking off to the side as Nate's eyes dipped down to the exposed cleavage Jenny's black dress was so tauntingly showing off. He felt something hard hit the center of his back -- Chuck's elbow-- and he cleared his throat a little, blinking a few times. He managed to smile at her and greet her and tell her that she looked lovely without drooling, and when she smiled at him he felt as if a ton of bricks had been thrown at his stomach, he could hardly breathe at all and when she put her hand on his elbow as they walked up the stairs he was floating, floating, floating.

"Aren't the Archibald boats docked at that harbor?" Chuck asked, pulling Nate out of his conversation with Jenny where he could hardly string two words together, let alone look away from her eyes.

"Uh... yeah." He finally glanced over and looked out through one of the windows; they were so high up that he could see one of his boats from here, and he pointed it out to Jenny. "I never told you that I go sailing almost all the time, did I?" he told her, looking into her eyes again.

Her eyes lit up like they always did whenever he talked about something that he was passionate about, and she asked him questions and never before had anyone expressed such an interest in the hobby he loved most. They walked down the marble hallways, just talking, and then they went in the ballroom which was far bigger than the eye could see and his mother came up with one of her selections for him and he automatically put his hand on Jenny's waist. His mother stopped in her tracks, tilted her head to the side like she always did when she was putting two and two together – and then, miraculously, left them alone. He felt so incredibly liberated and just grinned down at Jenny and she smiled up at him, and then there Chuck was again clapping his hand on Nate's shoulder and suggesting they dance, and Jenny was rolling her eyes and Nate was laughing and he was happier than he could ever have been if she weren't here with him. The song was a slow one and he pulled Jenny into his arms and she just rested her forehead on his chest while her laughter died down before she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled close. He was on fire and he closed his eyes, resting his cheek against hers, and this felt so familiar. With a pang he remembered that this was like her guerrilla fashion show so long ago when he kissed her by surprise and he could do that now, couldn't he, it was the same thing...

Eric came up and touched Jenny's elbow just as Nate's phone went off. Eric began whispering indistinctly to Jenny while Nate pulled out his phone -- and saw a text from Vanessa.

_Nate, we need to talk. It's urgent. Meet me in the gardens?_

Vanessa was _here_? What the hell did she want to talk about? They spoke on occasion but considering the fact that they had never really been friends before ever pursuing a relationship, there wasn't much they could talk about now. Unless she was... no, they'd used a condom every time when they were Europe and that was months ago...

His heart was hammering now, for all the wrong reasons, and he looked away from his phone to Jenny, whose face was composed as usual. But she was looking into Eric's eyes and to Nate it seemed that there was some sort of silent conversation between the two going on, and it scared him.

"Jenny." He called her back to him and placed a finger on the inside of her wrist, and she turned to look at him. He couldn't read anything on her face at all but right now there was something else on his mind... "I have to find someone really quickly. It won't take long, promise."

She nodded, her eyes looking distant, and she smiled at him with half of her heart.

* * *

Jenny stepped out onto the balcony; it was empty save for one person. Eric clicked the door shut behind her and she stepped forward, her high heels making clicking sounds on the cream-colored stucco. Candles were scattered everywhere, from the flowerpots and railing on the balcony to each stair on the staircase to the gardens below. The lighting was soft and beautiful and she stopped walking about a foot away from her target and looked up, directly into the dark eyes of Scott. She said nothing when he spoke her name in the softest voice possible even though her knees were weakening because he was _Scott, _the boy who'd healed her, but he had hurt her, too, and he'd broken his promise and was a liar...

"I'm not your brother," he said intensely, taking a step toward her, and she didn't move, paralyzed.

"Are you drunk again?" She asked, her hands shaking.

"No -- no, listen. I'm so sorry about that night. I don't normally drink, and I was frustrated and confused and... They did the paternity test, the results came back today, Rufus isn't my dad... Some guy named Owen. Owen Campos, and Lily loved him, and I have to find her. I don't even think Rufus knows." He shook his head a little, taking another step toward Jenny and taking her hand. Jenny wrenched it away, her head dizzy, and she attempted to walk away but he placed his hands on her shoulders and looked her dead in the eye.

"Jenny, let me back in. It's okay now."

* * *

"What is it?" Nate asked, trying not to sound irritated. Vanessa was being silent and it was annoying him. He'd walked up and said hello and she'd just looked at him and there was a silence for a long time until he couldn't take it anymore. She'd snuck in, that much was obvious by the jeans and neon green shirt she was wearing.

She finally spoke, shaking her head a little, and her dimples were illuminated in the candlelight. "I've missed you, Nate."

He blinked, and automatically he replied, "I've missed you too."

"Did you really?" She questioned sweetly, stepping toward him. "I need to know what we are, Nate. I need to know." Her hand flew to his shoulder and slid to the back of his neck, keeping his face in her direction so that he couldn't look away, so that he couldn't lie.

"Why now? Vanessa, this is really sudden. I haven't seen you in weeks." He shifted a little, looking up and around at his surroundings-- the building was behind him and they were at the beginning of a paved pathway that branched off into secluded gardens. Her hand on his neck tightened its grip forcefully and he looked back at her, surprised. She was still smiling at him but the intensity of it had faded very much. It looked more pained than pleased.

"I gave you space, Nate... But I can't keep going on without you. Come on, let's ditch this place and go somewhere we can be alone, or at least feel like we're not at the Queen's palace or _something_." Her other hand found his, and she fought for a grip on his fingers.

"I don't want to leave, Vanessa -- what about that guy from Paris? Wasn't he going to come to New York?" Nate asked, not moving, keeping his fingers outstretched.

Her eyes softened here and she sighed. "He wants me to come there, but I still have feelings for you. I want to give us another go... Are you saying that you don't care about me anymore, Nate? What's wrong? You told me I was your everything. I thought that when we came back we'd get back into a relationship, but you never asked."

He was quiet for a long time, and then he stepped back, gathering Vanessa's hands and then letting go. "Things are done, Vanessa. They're done."

She cried and they argued and he apologized over and over and she left in a huff; Nate turned to take Vanessa's former spot and rested his back against one of the trees that framed the start of the pathway into the gardens. He looked up and almost choked at what he saw: Scott and Jenny. Jenny's head was tilted down and he could make out the sad expression on her face and Scott's hand on one of her cheeks as he looked at her imploringly. Nate listened in.

"You can't keep denying it. You can't keep denying me... think about it, all that time that we spent together. And everyone thought we were together, they all said I was good for you -- so what's holding you back? I healed you, J. Let me keep healing you. Don't cut me out anymore..."

Nate closed his eyes and his fists closed too and he waited for Jenny's answer. None came and he heard Scott sigh in frustration; Nate opened his eyes once more.

"What's holding you back? That douchebag? Nate? The one who _hurt _you? I thought I told you to stay away from him. He's a jerk, Jenny."

"He's changed, Scott."

"Guys like that don't change, Jenny. The second he gets with you is the second he'll start looking at other girls."

Jenny was silent. Nate waited for her to defend him, but nothing came. She shifted and Scott pulled her closer and Nate was going to throw up, any minute now they'd be kissing and he'd have lost and he wouldn't be able to take it. He shifted, ready to turn around, but his feet kicked up gravel and he automatically froze at the sound, and Jenny heard it and looked away from Scott.

She looked directly into Nate's eyes and they were both frozen for a moment, and it was just them, just Jenny and Nate and Nate and Jenny as Blair would say. Her eyes were wide and his face was so obviously hurt that she could hardly breathe, those blue eyes looked so anguished even from this far away, and she watched him turn his back on her a few seconds after and begin to walk down a pathway. Jenny was paralyzed for a few moments and then she breathed, "What have I done?" Without another word she pulled herself away from Scott and rushed down the stairs as carefully as she could in heels, and then she went after Nate.

"Nate, Nate, wait." She saw his shadowy frame striding quickly and she picked up her pace. When Jenny reached him he stopped moving and she placed her hands on his forearm to keep him there. "Nate..."

"Do you like him?" he asked fiercely. "You should be with him. He's really good for you, he's not even your brother, so it's okay, and everyone wants you two together--"

"Nate, _stop._ I don't want to be with him," She interrupted angrily, wishing he'd just look at her. "Why doesn't anyone understand that? Scott and I, we were friends. And yes, he was good for me, but in the friendly sense. And maybe I could have liked him if there wasn't someone else on my mind the entire time." Her voice dropped to just a whisper and now she was the one looking away. Her hands were trembling and her heart was falling apart as he just looked at her and she couldn't breathe at all._ Say something. Say something please._

It was quiet and she lifted her hands away from the cloth of his jacket because she could feel sparks beneath her fingertips but they weren't the good kind, they were the ones that stung with the pain of silent rejection. His breath hitched and they heard footsteps and Nate automatically took a step away from her and she felt too cold to be alive. A man and a woman walked past them before disappearing into one of the gardens nearby.

Nate sighed. His voice was soft when he spoke, and her heart skipped a beat. "Meet me at my boat in half an hour."

* * *

When she came to him he'd already discarded his jacket and rolled the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows. She hesitated on the docks, her high heels clasped in her hands, and her face showed that she was afraid. Nate stepped toward her and looked up at her from the edge of his boat.

"What's wrong?" He asked, stretching out his fingers as they tingled with anticipation. He wanted to reach out for her but something was wrong and he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at her expectantly.

She was silent for a moment, and when she spoke, it was quiet and almost defiant and it alarmed Nate. "I'm afraid of letting you in again. It'll be like before. We'll kiss and the day after you'll ignore me and when I'll think I have you back in my life, you'll disappear again. Something or someone will come between us and you'll cut me deep and I can't do it. I can't do it, Nate. I just came here to tell you that and to tell you goodbye."

This took him aback and yet another part of him wasn't surprised. He shook his head a little breathlessly and exhaled. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and extended them to her. "Let me tell you why you should trust me. Please come down here, and if you don't like what I have to say, then you can leave, okay?"

They gazed at each other challengingly for a few moments before she took a tentative step and Nate placed his hands on her hips and lifted her onto the boat. He moved his hands to her shoulders, holding them and looking down at her.

"Jenny, you're the only one I want. There's nobody else; there hasn't been for a while. The entire summer I couldn't get the things you said out of my head. You were right about me and I realized it and I've been trying to become a better person since. Because you're worth all that. I don't mind doing all of these things because in the end if I just had you it would all be okay, all the struggle and the pain, it'd all be okay. I haven't so much as looked at another girl since I got back from Europe. Vanessa was here just now and I could have taken the easy way out this time but I didn't. I told her things were done because I'm ready to wait for you. I'll wait if I have to... but I don't exactly want to. I can wait for you if _you _want me to. I could do anything if you wanted me to, Jenny."

He was speaking so passionately that Jenny was taken aback; she just looked up at him, her resolve weakening, and she asked half-heartedly, "But what about Dan and everyone? Especially Dan, you know he won't like it. Us."

"They don't matter. I'll face them, I'm not running away -- it's not like last time, Jenny. You're all I need and all I want." He touched her cheek lightly, looking at her in all seriousness as he whispered, "I'm not leaving you this time."

She smiled at him slowly, and she couldn't help but throw her arms around his neck. "Promise?"

"Swear it." Nate smiled down at her, too, and he could hardly breathe because she always took his breath away. He took her face gently in his hands and leaned close, hesitating for a moment about an inch away from her lips, and Jenny laughed and leaned up and closed the distance. She kissed him softly and Nate smiled against her lips before pulling her body closer to his and deepening the kiss. Even though the night was cold it felt hot to Nate and to Jenny too, like there were fireworks and sparks emerging from every inch of body contact they had. They kissed for the longest time, experimenting with each other's lips because it'd been forever since they had last been able to touch each other like this - his hands drifting from her face to her shoulders to her waist to her hips, her fingers touching his face and back and arms and sneaking beneath his shirt to touch at his abdomen lightly...

Eventually he had to pull away and he showed her how to get the boat started and they departed from the dock, and she told him that she'd never been sailing before. Nate was absolutely scandalized. He showed her the ropes and kissed her every other moment and often forgot what he was telling her when he pulled in close to her.

Upon one instance where Nate became speechless, Jenny laughed and grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. They were hectically sneaking their hands around each other's bodies and unbuttoning articles of clothing only to button them back up in a few moments because there was a line he couldn't bring himself to cross with her quite yet.

"Why are you holding back with me?" She asked in frustration, pulling away from Nate when he zipped her dress back up after hardly a second of touching her bare chest.

"Because," Nate said simply, and he picked her up and laid her down on the floor and kissed at her neck and collarbone and exposed cleavage until Jenny could hardly breathe.

They sailed on the ocean for the entire night and held each other for the majority of it and fell asleep at far too late of an hour, but it was okay because nothing else mattered. Only each other.

On the other side of New York at exactly two A.M. there was a death that would break them apart.

* * *

**And the plot thickens! Anyway keep reviewing guys, feel free to tell me your opinion.**


	7. Chapter Seven

_"And I am nothing of a builder  
But here I dreamt I was an architect  
And I built this balustrade to keep you home,  
to keep you safe from the outside world  
But the angles and the corners, even though my  
__ work is unparalleled, they never seemed to meet  
This structure fell about our feet  
And we were free to go."_

_-The Decemberists_

The most beautiful moment of her life transformed into a nightmare not even an hour after Jenny left Nate's boat.

Something was wrong, she could feel it by the emptiness of the loft. Rufus' bedroom door was wide open and he wasn't anywhere in sight to question her about her whereabouts of the previous night. In the future when she would look back on this memory, Jenny would barely remember tiptoeing into her room and changing out of the dress she had worn the night before. She would barely recall washing off her makeup and wondering if her family would be able to detect the smells of Nate and the ocean and the breeze in her hair. The one thing that would always be clear in her mind would be turning on her phone to listen to the message on her phone that shocked her out of her dreamy, sleepy stupor. Vanessa was in the hospital -- critical condition -- no hope -- Jenny could barely understand the words coming from Dan's mouth and she was shaking by the end of the message because the message had been at one thirty in the morning, and now it was seven.

She wouldn't remember the too-long taxi drive to the hospital, but she'd remember rushing into Vanessa's room and seeing Dan there with his head in his hands and Rufus in the corner whispering into the phone. She would never forget the lifeless body on the bed and the quiet sound of her own heart breaking neatly in two, the pounding in her ears and the sound of her feet on the floor as she rushed to the bathroom to vomit because guilt and terror and unbelievable pain and sadness refused to let her keep anything down when Vanessa would never breathe or eat or feel again, because she was dead.

_She was dead.

* * *

_

A week later and Jenny was still breaking still breathing still feeling when she wasn't supposed to be. At Vanessa's funeral she was still shaking still crying still falling apart and Dan was too and so were Vanessa's parents, whom Jenny had never before, and her sister Ruby was there too, solemn and silent. And Dan was pale and reserved and unstable, his dark eyes confused and unsure and it pained Jenny to see him this way, because Vanessa was his best friend and what was he going to do without her? Jenny closed her eyes as the priest spoke about the cause of death -- the hit and run accident -- how a few hours later the driver had turned himself in. The driver's name wasn't mentioned but Jenny glanced behind her to see Serena with her face unusually drawn and unsmiling and Lily beside her with glassy eyes.

Because now Keith Van der Woodsen was being charged for drunk driving and they all knew that he was the man who ran away from everything. He'd get out of it and he, the man who accidentally killed Vanessa, would emerge without a scratch thanks to his high-priced lawyers, whereas Vanessa would never breathe again, never smile...

When they started to lower the casket into the ground Jenny bawled and tightened her grip on her father's hand. Yes, the girls hadn't been on good terms in the past year, and she now regretted it. Because was a boy really worth a friendship? When Vanessa was the one who'd helped Jenny get into the Masked Ball so long ago where Jenny had first _met _a certain boy whose name was now forbidden in her mind, when Vanessa was the one who encouraged her fashion design career, when Vanessa was the one who'd convinced Rufus to let her do home schooling...

Had Nate really been worth losing that? And now she had to live with the guilt every day for the rest of her goddamn life because while Vanessa had been dying Jenny had been kissing that boy with his blue eyes and brown hair and too-soft lips and gentle touch and she couldn't think about it she couldn't she wouldn't let herself...

Jenny looked up across the casket to see Nate on the other side and she felt her heart break into the smallest bits they'd ever been in because he was crying, too. His childlike blue eyes were misted over and the tears were slow and he was more controlled than her because he was Nate, always composed like his parents had raised him to be. He finally looked at Jenny for the first time in a week and there was a long moment where they just gazed at each other, and then he tilted his head to the left a little, his eyes flickering in that direction, and Jenny understood. He wanted to be alone with her. She nodded slowly, flexing one hand -- _five fingers, five minutes._

As people began to disperse Nate walked along one of the pathways, disappearing behind some trees; Jenny stayed where she was, her head bowed, her eyes closed as the last few tears trickled away. She and Nate hadn't spoken in a week, not since the night on his boat...

Minutes later Jenny met Nate in a secluded, tiny courtyard surrounded by trees. The silence pressed against her ears and the falling golden leaves brushed past her in the wind; her eyes found his and she stopped walking a foot away from him. For the longest time all they could do was gaze at each other with their equally sad eyes. Finally Jenny shook her head a little, and he knew -- he understood.

Her mouth quivered as she said quietly, "We can't."

"I don't want to break my promise to you. I don't want to leave you," he whispered, and his voice was hoarse.

She gazed at him with her weary eyes and stepped closer to him without a word; he opened his arms and pulled her to him. A tear slipped out of Jenny's eye and she pressed her face in his shirt; he kissed the top of her head gently, closing his eyes and memorizing everything because this could be the last time he'd get to hold her, kiss her forehead and hair like this. He couldn't do it enough; there was no way he could ever get enough of such a drug. Nothing else got him so high, but right now he was crashing down to the Earth because his supply was so limited. They were done on Jenny's terms this time and it stung but he understood. She couldn't handle the guilt; she had morals that made her a far better person than he. She was clutching his shirt as she cried and he found himself crying too, and this was the worst thing in the world, losing her _again _when he knew things weren't supposed to be this way. Nate wanted more than anything to be by her side, to tell people to fuck off if they had a problem with their relationship, and he held her more tightly to him -- he didn't want to leave her, not at all, and it felt like he'd not only lost Vanessa but Jenny too.

At one of the entrances to the courtyard Dan and Serena stopped in their tracks; Serena tugged on his arm a little and they moved back, out of sight. Serena noticed that both of their eyes were closed and their cheeks were wet, and her normally smiling mouth twitched downward in pity.

"What are they doing?" Dan asked, a vein in his temple twitching when he remembered that he wanted Nate Archibald to stay the hell away from his sister. The fact that he would have to live with guilt over yelling at Vanessa a month ago because of the things she'd done for _this guy _was too much to bear. Of course, he'd forgiven Vanessa the day after he heard, but still. Dan never yelled at Vanessa, never got angry with her...

Serena was silent for a long while, and she reached out and grabbed Dan's elbow when he attempted to take a step forward and pulled him away from the scene with her. When Nate and Jenny were out of sight she placed her hands on his shoulders and looked into his eyes. "You have to leave them alone, Dan."

"Why? Why should I?"

Her voice was soft and sad and her eyes were too. "Because they're saying goodbye."

* * *

Jenny stayed home that night. Dan and Rufus were at the Abrams' hotel room, comforting Vanessa's parents. She couldn't do it. Jenny couldn't look at their crying faces anymore and keep pretending that she hadn't made out with Vanessa's ex while she was dying, so she curled up on the couch that Nate had once slept on when he'd stayed with them so long ago. She pretended his scent still lingered there and wrapped herself up in a blanket and turned on the television. The local news station was on and she was too tired to reach for the remote; all she wanted was to mindlessly tune out, so she leaned back against the couch, her mind going blank as images flashed across the screen.

Just when her mind was nice and blank, Keith Van der Woodsen's face showed up on the screen. Jenny sat upright as the anchorwoman spoke about Lily Bass' former husband, father of famed socialite Serena Van der Woodsen and the crime he recently committed -- driving drunk and getting into a hit and run and killing an innocent person -- and how the trial would take place in a month. They speculated if he'd get out of it and Jenny thought that would be the end of the news feature. But no; it was only the beginning.

They went into detail about the victim, about Vanessa, and seeing the girl's face on the screen made Jenny choke as newfound tears struggled out of her eyelids. She could feel her heart breaking down because this was just a story to them, just a story about an Upper East Sider in his mid-fourties who had more money than he could manage, and they had to milk it for all it was worth. They played one of Vanessa's shorter films and Jenny saw her own face flash across the screen because this had been made ages ago, back when they were good friends, and she was shaking because this wasn't how things were supposed to be. Vanessa's movie wasn't supposed to be on television because she was dead; it was supposed to premiere on television because she was alive and becoming successful.

An interview with Nate came on. It was recent -- shot with Vanessa's parents and her sister apparently just after the funeral. As Jenny watched the tears slowed and stopped; she had no more in her supply. Nate's face was sad and weary but she couldn't find any pieces of her heart that were able to break anymore. They were too small -- they were practically nothing.

"Such a death is just tragic..." The anchorwoman's voice was in the background, sounding just so desperate for a story.

_"Anne Boleyn thought only with her heart and she got her head chopped off--" _Blair's voice played in Jenny's head, quietly at first.

"...especially considering how young you both were, Nate...."

_"So her daughter Elizabeth made a vow never to marry a man. She married her country--"_ The voice was louder now.

"...how are you going to cope with losing Vanessa?"

_"Forget boys. Keep your eye on the prize, Jenny Humphrey--"_

"We spent more than a year on and off, so of course it will be difficult. Because, you know, we loved each other. No one can ever be quite like her." He loved Vanessa and it stung and everything was a blur after that because she wasn't sure what was stinging -- was that her heart? Where was it?

_"You can't make people love you, but you can make them fear you--" _The voice was so loud now that Jenny cringed, and it hurt more than it would have if Blair had come right up to her ear and shouted in it. Jenny felt herself freezing over as the remaining, dustlike pieces of her heart blew away and became nothing. The blanket slipped away from her shoulders and for the longest time she was silent, staring ahead of her without truly seeing. She wasn't sure how long it was until she moved again. Her hands were cold and the tears on her cheeks felt frozen in place. If she had looked in a mirror, would she have been alarmed by how frigid her eyes had suddenly become? Or would she even care?

_"You have to be cool to be Queen."

* * *

_

**Thanks to everyone for reviewing! I appreciate it so much. Reviews are always appreciated and always keep me inspired!**


	8. Chapter Eight

_And so it is just like you said it would be  
Life goes easy on me, most of the time  
And so it is the shorter story no love,  
no glory, no hero in her sky  
I can't take my eyes off of you  
I can't take my eyes off you, and so it is,  
just like you said it should be, we'll both forget the  
breeze most of the time. And so it is._

_-Damien Rice  
_

The months passed. November turned into December which turned into January which turned into February. New York became unbearably cold just like it did every winter; snow fell on a regular basis, and it would have been beautiful if beauty could have been found. Nate and Jenny rarely saw each other and each time they did was simply unhealthy. He kept count of the times -- three -- and every detail of each run in stayed etched permanently in his mind.

After the funeral they kept no contact -- no texts, no visits, nothing. This was the way Jenny wanted things and even though it killed Nate inside, he would wait. He had told Jenny that he'd wait for her and he would stay true to his word and wait. He continued devoting himself to his internship and studies, he didn't smoke nearly as much as he used to and girls weren't even an option for him. Of course it was difficult because girls weren't exactly repulsed by him -- quite the opposite -- and given the amount of parties he went to, it was a miracle that he didn't get trashed every weekend.

Nate would never forget the first time that he saw her after the funeral. It was raining and cold, sometime in late November. He had come with Chuck to visit Blair and her friends at NYU; her friends turned out not to be there, so Nate left early to give the couple some alone time. He would always remember how there was no wind but he still felt like he was freezing his ass off, even with his thick coat, and he would never fail to recall how cold his hands had felt. But he would also never forget walking down the street and seeing Jenny and Dan Humphrey in front of the entrance to one of the dormitory buildings. Dan was looking at her with concern, and Jenny was silent as Dan rambled on about something, her small hands clutching an umbrella.

And then she looked right at him.

Nate felt the air being sucked out of his lungs and he couldn't help but wonder how she managed to do that to him every time; one glance from her wide blue eyes and he was done. His mind was reeling and what was that expression in her eyes, if it could even be called that? It was too cold outside and all he wanted to do was go to her and wrap his coat over her thinner one, hold her umbrella for her, and most of all, take her inside where it was warm so that he didn't have to worry about her dying from some sort of disease that came with the rain. Jenny lowered her eyes for a moment and he thought he caught a glimpse of a hurt expression -- did the corner of her lips just pucker downward, did her brows just knit together?-- before a cool sheen came over her features and she looked at him again with the blankest of emotions.

Dan turned and saw Nate. His face contorted into the most disgusted of expressions and Nate was taken aback by it. Dan placed his hand on Jenny's shoulder, and his sister looked at the dark haired boy and raised an eyebrow at him, and he lead her inside, shooting a nasty look at Nate before he shut the doors behind him.

The second time was a month later on New Year's Eve. Nate had been one of the few to work at his internship that day; there was some big international scandal going on, and since so few of the interns wanted to work on a holiday, it was the perfect opportunity for him to actually work alongside a politician and take notes on what they did, the way they handled themselves when talking to a foreign dignitary, and so on. Nate loved it, but unfortunately arrived at his apartment at around ten at night. He knew Blair would be furious if he didn't attend her big party, and there was a huge chance Jenny would be there, so he prepared himself as quickly as he could. He arrived at the Waldorf place with only half an hour to go until midnight, but at least he made it, right?

He saw Dan and Serena and Chuck and Blair and even Eric but not Jenny in sight. Nate couldn't help but feel hugely disappointed and ended up on one of the balconies smoking a blunt with just a minute to go until midnight; the fireworks had already started.

"You're supposed to kiss someone at midnight." The voice was unfamiliar, calm and cool as ice with a I'm-bored-already tinge, and Nate almost choked on what he was inhaling when he saw it was none other than Jenny. Jenny Humphrey with her light blonde hair curled and pinned up, stray tresses tickling her collarbone in _that _way, the way that drove Nate insane. The fact that she was in a very revealing white dress made Nate blink hard, wiping his hand over his face as he tried to absorb what was going on.

"J-Jenny." He stuttered as she came closer to him, putting all his willpower into not letting his thoughts go _there _because then certain instinctual bodily reactions would happen and it would just be terribly awkward. "It's cold. Do you need a jacket...?"

She looked at him in an amused way, like there was something he didn't know. "Don't move." And Nate, of course, had no choice to obey. He wasn't sure if he could have brought himself to rebel in the first place because she was stepping close to him until her body was lightly against his, and one hand was on his shoulder and the other was sliding down his arm to his hand as her face came closer to his. He closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing as she pressed her forehead and nose softly against his own, and he thought she was going to kiss him. All of a sudden he felt her fingers plucking something out of his hand and she was backing away and he opened his eyes to see Jenny Humphrey taking a drag of his blunt, a slightly curious glint flashing in her eyes. Nate was stunned as she tilted her head back and-- oh God, there was her neck again -- blew the smoke into the air, before looking back at him with a foreign smirk on her face.

Jenny placed the blunt back into his hand and patted his cheek lightly as she maneuvered past him. "Happy New Year," she called softly before disappearing and leaving a very confused Nate behind her.

It was so out of character for her that Nate chose to believe that it was a hallucination for a week. A hallucination or a very hot but unsatisfying dream. But when Chuck mentioned that Jenny had been acting really strangely ever since the funeral, Nate had to accept the fact that it had not been his mind playing tricks on him. Nate was both worried and terrified at the same time. She dominated his thoughts; he needed to see her.

And one day he did -- the third time he saw her after the funeral -- and it was completely by accident. Chuck had forgotten his scarf at Blair's dorm and the two were apparently in a bit of a squabble at the moment, so Nate had to play the messenger boy and retrieve it. He didn't do it so much as for Chuck as he did to sort-of-maybe run into Dan. Yes, Dan hated him. But if anyone knew what was going on with Jenny, it would be her brother.

Nate was exiting from Blair's dorm building, Chuck's scarf tucked into his pocket, when he saw a couple a little ahead of him. They weren't moving, just standing there on the sidewalk, and he realized with a dull pang in his chest that it was Jenny with Scott. They were silent, just looking each other, Jenny's arms crossed in front of her chest and Scott's hands cupping her cheeks. The intense way he looked at her made Nate furrow his eyebrows and his hands clench defensively. Scott looked away from Jenny and over at Nate, and he nodded curtly in greeting, his hands dropping to his sides.

Nate hesitated before them. "Scott. Jenny," He called her name and it felt absolutely forbidden to say it out loud. She turned slowly to look at him, her eyebrows raised. "Can we talk?" She followed him out of earshot. "What was up with New Year's Eve? You were acting... I mean, I thought you wanted us to be done, but..."

She tilted her head a little, looking at him with oddly lifeless eyes. "We _are _done. I was just a little buzzed from the alcohol I'd had. It didn't mean a thing."

It was hard to describe what he felt. Disappointment that it didn't mean anything, definitely. Concern because she seemed so different. Hurt, certainly.

Nate glanced over her shoulder and saw Scott watching them. "What are you doing with him? I thought I told you to stay away from Scott. We both know he's bad news." There was an angry edge to his voice now. He wasn't used to this; he wasn't used to her disinterest and it seemed like she was over him. How could that be possible when a few months ago they were all each other needed? It had to be his imagination, but then she spoke.

An icy laugh escaped from her pink mouth and Nate felt a chill run down his spine. It felt almost as if she'd slipped an ice cube along the skin of his back. "I think you're confusing me with the Jenny Humphrey who _cared_."

And with that, Jenny left him.

* * *

A few days later Nate attended a frat party at NYU. Rather than doing his usual overtime at his internship or at times even showing up lately, he'd decided to smoke until his thoughts were a calm blur. He couldn't smoke as much as he used to. He'd weaned himself off of the habit during the past few months, and now he was suddenly picking it up. Nonetheless, he felt good right now. Calm even though his hands were shaky and some colors and details stood out more brightly than they normally should have. Nothing sounded better to him right now than a bottle of beer and a good-looking sorority girl. Or any girl, really, as long as she didn't remind him of a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed fashion-oriented high school queen. What was the point of exhausting himself and working hard if she didn't care for him? Apparently Jenny had no problem spending time with Scott, but Nate was simply out of the question. It infuriated him. She didn't care anymore, and now, neither did he. Or at least, he'd try not to care. What was the point of fighting a battle you knew you'd lose? What was the point of waiting for someone who didn't want you anymore? What in the world was the point in changing if Jenny didn't want him anymore?

An hour into the party and Nate was getting rather familiar with an unnamed redhead's lips on a couch, a beer in his hand, when he heard his name being called in a questioning voice. Nate barely managed to pull his lips off the girl's neck to find Scott towering over him, looking bewildered. Nate mumbled some unpleasant curse and returned his lips to the girl's skin, choosing to ignore the other male.

"Look, man, it's about Jenny. Five minutes and you can get back to whoever this chick is, okay?" Even now Jenny's name was a warning signal and Nate pulled himself away from the girl to look at Scott again.

"What about Jenny? From what I saw, it looked like you have her --" Nate began to make a snide remark about how he literally had her in the palm of his hands, but Scott interrupted.

"It's important, okay?" The two men stared each other down until Nate slowly got up with a sigh and followed Scott to a quieter portion of the frat house. Nate crossed his arms and waited for Scott to speak.

"You weren't at your internship today. Why?" Scott asked after a moment, looking concerned.

"How do you know about that?"

"Blair's friend told her and Blair told me because it worried her. We already have to worry about Jenny, and now about you too?"

Nate's eyebrows knitted together. "What does it matter if I do or don't go to an internship? It's my business. And like I tried to say, it seems like you have Jenny where you want her. She refuses to even keep contact with me, so I don't know why you need to talk to me about her."

"I was looking at her eyes when you came. There was something different about them. It scared me..." Scott sighed. "Look, even I know that you were different before, that this whole internship thing brought out a good change in you. The way you're acting now, it's like you're not fighting for her anymore." When Nate made a sarcastic noise, Scott raised his eyebrows. "She's different lately, Nate. This is the worst time for you to give up on her." They were silent for a moment before Scott continued. "Today was the first time I've talked to her in months. She refused to see me, too, until today when I ran into her after she visited Dan. And she was different... she doesn't care anymore about anything... She's not Jenny. She's cold. She's like this ice queen now and it worries me. I don't know if she's damaged or what but I can't heal her this time."

Nate felt a pang in his chest as his suspicions were confirmed. Jenny had changed, and for the worse.

"She told me I didn't mean a thing to her, Scott." Nate replied weakly.

"It's the same with the rest of us. The only one she remotely acts like she respects is Eric, and he's more worried than the rest of us. But look, I know how Jenny felt about you. I just think that maybe Vanessa's death scared her and hurt her more than it did the rest of us. Maybe she doesn't know how to cope with it. I don't think in all this time Jenny's ever stopped loving you. Otherwise she would have loved me..." Scott trailed off here before shaking his head a little. "We're all asking you not to give up on her -- Blair, Chuck, Eric, me..."

Nate was quiet for a long time as he walked to a window and stared out of it, his mind reeling. Finally he nodded. He couldn't bury his feelings for her because of a momentary setback; he had to keep fighting for her, earn her trust again, and be true to his word. He would wait for Jenny Humphrey, but he wasn't going to wait on the sidelines for her to come to him again. He had to win her back.

He realized that he couldn't keep living without her, and that now she needed him more than ever.

* * *

**Man this chapter was hard to write. Thanks to Susan for all her help with this. I completely appreciate it. Hopefully the next chapter won't be so difficult to write. Thank you all for your reviews!**


	9. Chapter Nine

_So take a look at me now, there's just an empty space  
There's nothing left here to remind me  
just the memory of your face. Take a look at  
me now, there's just an empty space  
you coming back to me is against the odds  
and that's what I've gotta face._

_- The Postal Service_

A day or two after his talk with Scott, Nate received a text from Serena. She wanted him to take a walk with her, and he happily obliged; Serena had been his best friend since childhood, and yes, for the longest time he'd been in love with her, but that was over now. He'd been extremely busy lately and honestly had no idea how to begin pursuing Jenny, so he could use Serena's counsel, even if she didn't exactly know the entire story about the two.

"Blair told me that Scott told her that you two talked about how Jenny needs you. I'm glad. I've been trying to fix things, you know, after what my father did," Serena said all in one breath, not even a second after they'd hugged hello. Nate silently nodded. Ever since the accident that killed Vanessa, Serena hadn't been the same. From the moment she heard the news to the second her father's trial started (Keith Van der Woodsen got off easy, like everyone knew he would) to even now, Serena carried a sad shadow in her eyes. Keith had skipped town not even days after the decision had been made, and Serena was heartbroken that her father hadn't changed at all. He had left, like he always did. And Serena had been trying to pick up the shattered pieces of the lives he'd left behind. She was desperately trying to piece everything back together again so that everyone could move on, all except for one person who was not in this world anymore, so that everyone could go on as if Keith had never come to New York and screwed things up.

"Jenny's been the most difficult to fix," Serena continued with a slight frown. "She's like my sister. She's not like she used to be, we all know that. But for the longest time I couldn't figure out why. I'd take her out to places and eventually I got Blair to come with us to see that Jenny had changed. But... why? Why did she change? Why was she so cold? One time I asked her why and she said it was because you had to be cold to be Queen. It made sense to me because I've been through that. You _do _have to be tough to be Queen. When I mentioned it to Blair she looked scared, though, and she told me about this conversation she'd had with Jenny months ago..." For a few minutes Serena took the time to tell Nate about the conversation Blair had told her about, word for word.

"But that party was months ago. Why would Jenny take words Blair said back in May and let them influence her life now?" Serena questioned, looking at Nate seriously. "Something must have happened. Dan and I saw you two hugging after Vanessa's funeral. Nate, please tell me everything that happened between you and Jenny. I need to know so I can make everything right again."

And so Nate told her. He told her about that night at the manor and how Scott and Vanessa had showed up and how all he'd wanted was Jenny. How Jenny had met him on his boat, how they'd kissed until they couldn't keep their eyes open anymore. And then how everything fell apart.

She nodded and clapped and sighed in all the right places and then at the end was silent. "And then you said that you loved Vanessa in that one interview. I heard Jenny mention it to Eric a few days after the funeral and she sounded so _hurt._"

Nate wanted to punch himself in the face. "I couldn't have not said it though. I mean, her family was right there. It wasn't like I _romantically _loved her still. All I wanted... all I _want _is Jenny."

Serena nodded. "Good, because I think you're the only one that can save her. And the best way to start off is by talking to Dan." Serena stopped then in front of a cafe, and Nate's heart rate quickened, and not in a good way.

"What?"

"Dan's inside. I told him to meet us here. If you're serious about Jenny, then you'll go in there and you two will sort things out. He's ready to talk, Nate."

Nate breathed in deeply and then nodded. The two entered the cafe to see Dan Humphrey already waiting at a table for three, and for a moment Nate felt pity for him. He was paler than usual and there were shadows under his eyes; he'd been like this since Vanessa's death. Nate was sure Jenny's odd behavior wasn't exactly helping. Nate sat down across from him, and Serena took the other seat. Dan looked at them for a moment, and then sighed.

"She's stopped designing, you know." Dan said hoarsely, staring into his coffee. Serena made a surprised sound and Nate blinked as Dan kept going. "She just doesn't care anymore. It used to be her passion and now... she just doesn't care." They were quiet for a time as a waitress came up and took Nate and Serena's orders. Serena was staring at Dan vividly, as if she were waiting for him to say something. No words came from his mouth until their coffees came.

"You're good for her, you know. Maybe you weren't before but you are now." Dan finally admitted, and Nate could feel some sort of relief bursting inside of him. "She needs you... I give you permission to go after her." Dan's mouth turned into a crooked smile at his word choice, and Nate managed a laugh. "Just please go slowly with her. Please."

"Of course. Thanks, Dan." Nate said when he was done laughing, glad that Dan didn't look at him like he hated him anymore.

Serena was smiling too and it felt odd, being able to smile for the first time in ages. Dan's smile was soon replaced by a distant expression and he was quiet for a while, sipping on his coffee, before becoming alert again. "Serena, you said there was something urgent. Something you had to tell me. Us."

"Oh, that's right." Serena blanched, her smile disappearing. "I completely forgot... Okay, so Eric came to me yesterday. I don't think you guys know her, but there's this girl named Emma at their school who seems to enjoy challenging Jenny for some reason. Well anyway, they're having a sort of competition tonight... I don't think she's going to listen to anyone but Nate about this..."

Dan looked confused. "What sort of competition are we talking about here? Like who can shop the most or something?"

"Not _exactly._" Serena looked pained. "Well... Emma's been obsessed with losing a certain _card _of hers for a long time. She and Jenny are going to see who can lose that card first tonight."

Dan blinked. "Like a Mastercard?"

"A certain card you carry in your back pocket..."

Nate almost spat out his coffee, but he ended up choking. Serena patted him on the back as he spluttered, "Her _virginity_?"

* * *

The whereabouts of Jenny Humphrey were revealed by Eric through multiple texts as Nate tried desperately to track her down that night. But for some reason, she was always one step ahead of him; a few minutes at this mall, that bar, this park. Eric could hardly keep up with Jenny, and he was actually with her, right there by her side. Eric had given up on trying to change Jenny's mind long ago. All the dangerous things she'd done lately hadn't been nearly as bad as this, though. Eric normally just went along with the flow, and occasionally he'd reprimand her, and sometimes Jenny would listen. And sometimes she wouldn't.

She wasn't satisfied with what she was seeing and she was getting impatient according to the texts Nate was getting. Only an hour after Nate's search begun was Eric able to get Jenny to agree to go to Butter, and Nate went there ahead of time.

_'Tell her that there's a potential candidate on the roof.' _Nate told Eric in a text when he reached Butter. They wouldn't come for several minutes, so Nate was able to lie down and stare at the muddy New York sky and catch his breath.

A while later Nate received a text from Eric that they had arrived, and he pulled himself to his feet and stood up, shoving his hands on his pockets. Nate realized that if she saw him as soon as she opened the door, she could turn and run, so Nate went to the railing and turned his back to the door, peering out at the city. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Eric would convince Jenny to go to the roof by herself... or maybe she wouldn't even care who was up here...

He heard her high heels clacking on the stairs before she opened the door, and he could hardly breathe. One would think he would get accustomed to becoming breathless because of Jenny Humphrey but that was simply not the case; it knocked him off his feet each and every time. And when she actually stepped onto the rooftop, the door shutting slowly closed behind her, he could hardly even remember how to breathe, because she was near him, a rare thing indeed. He heard her feet stepping closer until he was sure she was close to him, and he finally turned.

Jenny stared at him coldly. "I should have known. What are you doing here?" She demanded, and Nate stepped toward her. She didn't move.

"I'm preventing you from making one of the worst decisions you could ever make," Nate replied. "Look, Jenny... you don't want to lose your virginity in some competition. It means more than that."

"Are you really one to talk, Nate? Run by me how many girls you've slept with, again?" Her voice was harsh and Nate winced.

"And because I've been with so many, I can tell you that losing it like this is such a mistake."

"I really _don't _care, Nate."

Nate sighed and chewed on his bottom lip. Jenny turned to go but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him, moving his hands to cup her face so that she had to look into his eyes. "Why are you acting like this? Like you don't care?"

"Are you serious? You're lost, too. You don't care about anything either." Jenny responded, and Nate came to the realization that her eyes weren't dead but simply lost and cold.

"But I care about you - why the hell else would I come here? Why the hell else do you think I always look after you? You're the one thing I care about." And he expected her to say something like _I know_, or _I care too_, but she didn't. She just looked at him with those frigid blue eyes and he realized he had lost his Jenny.

"Please don't do this. I will do anything for you, just don't... don't do that with some guy you don't know. I'll do anything you ask me, Jenny." Part of him expected her to ask him to be the one she'd do it with tonight. How would he be able to deny her now when she felt more forbidden than ever?

"Anything?" She whispered softly, and he closed his eyes for a moment before nodding.

"Then leave me the hell alone." Nate's eyelids flew open but he kept calm. He nodded again and pulled his hands away from her face, holding them up and taking a step away from her. When she started walking away Nate called out to her.

"I'll leave you alone for now. But expect to see me again soon, Jenny."

"And I'll keep my side of the bargain, then... no boys, _for now_."

He thought he saw a smile grace her face before she disappeared.

* * *

**Sorry this chapter took so long. Thanks everyone for your reviews! **


	10. Chapter Ten

_Let me wrap myself around you  
Let you show me how I see  
And when you come back in from nowhere  
Do you ever think of me?  
Your heart is not able  
Let me show you how much I care  
I need those eyes to tide me over_

_- The Killers_

Jenny stayed true to her word. After running into Nate at Butter she'd gone home with Eric. She wasn't sure why she was listening to Nate; it wasn't like she listened to anyone else lately. Certainly, seeing him like this wasn't healthy for her, considering the fact that she was set on completely cutting out the source of her guilt from her life. She didn't want to see Nate Archibald if she could help it. He made her feel alive and when that happened the guilt she felt about Vanessa's death was fresh, raw, painful. She had perfected the art of being emotionally numb and wanted things to stay that way. When she ran into him at NYU with Scott and again at Butter she'd been pretty good at keeping her guard up around him, but Jenny wasn't sure how long she could hold out.

Her thoughts were with him when she went to school the next day. How long did he mean by for now? A month? A week? A day? Jenny shook her head a little and stared at her math quiz. He was such a terrible thief, trying to steal her heart again like this. But she couldn't let him; so as she wrote down formulas and used her calculator she shoved the memory of eating ice cream on his couch while he did math homework into a neat little package, and then she put it in the corner of her mind. By the time her quiz was done she had sloppily sewn her heart back up and Nate Archibald didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

For now.

During lunch on the steps that Blair had once presided over, Emma came to Jenny to gloat.

"I won, obviously. Did you get laid a_t all_?" Emma asked, crossing her arms over her chest and raising her eyebrows before taking a seat on the steps. Jenny couldn't find the will to get angry at her; she could feel nothing inside of her. She'd been so numb for such a long time.

"Uh, definitely not. Nate Archibald wants to be the one but at a later date." Jenny responded, her voice dripping with ice -- it was natural to her now to speak like this -- and the girls near her murmured their approval. Of course Nate's name always made girls act like that; even Emma looked envious. "Who'd you lose it to? Some club-hopping hipster? You might want to get tested for a few diseases if that's the case."

Emma glared at her. "Whatever, I still won."

"Okay, you won," Jenny replied, rolling her eyes. "Now move down a step, do you mind? You're a little too close for my taste."

* * *

For now meant until school ended. As soon as she walked out she saw him there by the gate, leaning against it casually, his blue eyes searching for someone. Her. She tried to go by him unnoticed but that was a bit hard when you were taller than everyone else with light blonde hair and a sparkly headband on your head. Jenny knew she should have left her headband at home today but she'd felt the need to wear it to remind Emma who the real Queen was here.

"Hello, Jenny," he said sweetly, grabbing her arm when she tried to duck discreetly past him. "Nice to see you, too. Where are you headed?"

The memories and emotions that she always repressed were threatening to burst past the barrier that was holding them back. She forced her thoughts away from that and chose not to look at his face. "Home, but why is that any of your business?" She shook his hand off her arm and continued to walk past him. Of course he caught up with her and then walked by her side.

"Good, I'll walk you there." Nate said cheerily, and she responded with silence. She barely noticed the cold and Nate accepted her silence, choosing to be silent as well. He was close to her side the entire long way home and she could feel heat radiating away from his body. The former Jenny would have inched closer both for the warmth and because he was Nate and she had never been able to resist him. The current Jenny, however, always increased the distance between them -- just to have Nate close that distance when she wasn't looking. He kept looking at her for long periods of time, and normally that would have made her nervous. But right now, she honestly didn't care.

When they reached her home she turned to face him. "See you." She said blankly, looking up at him. He was frowning at her bag.

"Jenny, what's...?" Nate reached over before she could stop him and pulled an open pack of condoms from the side pocket. Jenny made sounds of protest as he was silent for a few seconds, staring at it in shock, and then he asked angrily, "What is this doing in your bag?"

"What does it _look _like it's doing in there? And why should it matter to _you_?" Jenny snapped back, her voice dripping with venom.

"I thought you were going to stay away from guys for now. That was your half of the promise!" Nate's hands were shaking; she'd never seen him so angry.

"Sorry, I forgot Scott counted as a guy." Jenny replied -- she was exaggerating of course, Scott had come to visit her yesterday but they hadn't done anything; in fact he was more visiting Rufus than Jenny-- and she watched Nate's face turn pale for a few moments. She felt something inside: pity. Glancing across the street, she saw a girl in an UES uniform trying to discreetly pull out her phone, and she sighed. "Just kidding, Nate. Just kidding."

Jenny turned away from him and opened the door, slipping inside the building; she felt Nate's hand grab her arm just in time and he followed her inside. Jenny managed go to up a flight of stairs before he pressed her into a corner of the stairwell.

"What do you mean, just kidding?" He asked, putting one of his arms on the wall on one side of her so that she had to answer his question.

He was so close. Jenny did her best to ignore this fact and kept her thoughts clear. "As in I've kept up my side of the bargain or promise or whatever you want to call it."

He searched her eyes. "Then why's it an open box?"

"It's Dan's. I kind of need to put it back in his dorm later on, so do you mind? And you should learn to mind your own business," She replied frustratedly. Nate wasn't smiling at he handed it back to her; his fingers brushed against her always cold ones. There was this expression on his face that felt slightly familiar... was that jealousy? Of what? Her little comment about _Scott_?

He noticed her scowl and sighed, his voice gentle. "Your hands are cold," he noted, leaning in and pressing the side of his temple against her own. She felt her heart beat strangely as he breathed her in, taking one of her small cold hands in his warm one. "Let me warm you up." He laced their fingers together tightly and she couldn't do anything to fight against him, because a part of her simply didn't want to. He took their interlaced hands and brought them up to her face, his index finger caressing her cheek lightly as his nose trailed down against her other cheek, his lips brushing past her jawline. His other hand was still braced against the wall, the sleeves of his jacket pushed back to reveal his toned forearm. Jenny closed her eyes and breathed in his forbidden scent and then flickered her eyes open again because his face was too beautiful to not watch.

His hand slid from her waist to the small of her back where her shirt had ridden up to expose some skin, and he pressed his fingers against it lightly; she felt her skin tingle immediately. His mouth was so close to hers as he stopped grazing her jawline; there was a pause and the tension was rising and she was so sure he was going to kiss her.

But he didn't. His lips were only an inch away from hers, near the corner of her mouth. He ran his lips against hers gently, from corner to corner and back so gently she could hardly feel it; it was an almost-kiss, and the small cage inside of her that contained the old Jenny demanded that she pull him closer to her. But when she closed her eyes all she could imagine was Vanessa's body on the hospital bed and Dan with his head in his hands and Nate holding her as autumn leaves flew past them...

Nate pulled an inch away, his eyes taking in her face. He touched the corner of her lip with their entwined hands, his thumb stroking it softly. "What do I mean to you, Jenny?" He asked quietly, softly, sweetly, vulnerably. If her heart had repaired itself it would have broken, but it was still just ashes. Jenny closed her eyes for a moment, breathed in, breathed out, opened them again.

The moments passed and he took in her eyes that had turned cold once more. "Tell me what I mean to you, Jenny." Nate said again, his voice demanding and assertive and even alarmed now. His grip tightened on her hand.

"Nothing," she found herself responding, and the bottles that held her memories of him were cast out to sea.

There was a moment and then his hand dropped hers. "Hope you're warm now," he said in a hoarse voice, stepping away from her, turning, and leaving without another word.

She felt the cold air hit her body like a tidal wave.

* * *

**This chapter was a lot easier to write! Thank you so much to everyone for reviewing and my buddy Yan for the inspiration for this chapter. Season Three spoilers will be coming out soon so let's hope for the best for N and especially our J!  
**


	11. Chapter Eleven

_You will never know what you have done to me  
You will never know losing your love for me  
You will never know a single day alone.  
Tiny heart, stuck inside yourself, when will  
you open up? Your lips touched every hand but  
mine, in the shadows you slept fine, when will  
you get back to me so we can rest? When you  
__ choose me, I'm waiting for you. Always waiting._

_-Flyleaf_

Nate gave her space after that; it wasn't that he was giving up on her, but he had to figure out another tactic. He had never really been in a situation like this before. Girls normally came to him quite easily. None had refused him or given him such resistance and it was all very new to him. So Nate threw himself in his studies, and now that March was turning into April, studying for his finals was a must. The first week of May was quickly approaching -- the week where his finals took place -- and the tension in the air at Columbia was thick. The fact that he still had his internship also meant that he hardly had any time to socialize with _anyone. _The most he could do was text Jenny, and sometimes she'd reply with a sarcastic or cold comment. But more often than not, she didn't respond at all. That killed him the most because he'd start to speculate about what she was doing and he'd wonder if she was alive at all. But according to Dan and Blair and Serena and Scott and even Chuck, she was alive and well. They would text Nate whenever they ran into her -- even the smallest of details were sent -- and he was glad to know that everyone wanted to help him win Jenny over.

_'Skittles aren't her favorite candy anymore -- she likes Ring Pops now,' _Serena texted him once.

_'Just ran into J at Starbucks getting a coffee... If you're near the one that we always go to, then get on over there,'_ Chuck had sent sometime near the end of Mach.

_'Don't ask her if she wants to go to Mood. She gets all pissy,'_ Dan had messaged out of the blue in the middle of April.

He missed seeing her. Nate had never realized how fortunate he was to see Jenny's face every day in high school until now, when he got to see her only once for weeks at a time. At first it had stung when she told him that he meant nothing. He sulked for days, lost and confused and unsure of what to do. But then Chuck made him visit Blair, who reminded him of her battle for Chuck. How they both had to fight for the other at different times, how they both were afraid of their feelings, how Blair had to say 'I love you' multiple times before he ever said it back.

"The main thing is, you can't give up." Blair said that day, looking up from her essay and wagging her pencil at him. They were studying at NYU's library, trying to keep their tones hushed. The late April sunshine filtered through the windows, beckoning Nate to the outside world. Unfortunately, Nate had to avoid the urge to play sports and had to keep studying.

Nate sighed and nodded. "I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, but I just feel like I don't have time to breathe or eat or anything. It's probably a good thing I'm single now because I wouldn't be able to give her the attention she deserves. It's so _exhausting_, living like this."

"Tell me about it. It's never easy, fighting for someone in denial." Blair looked thoughtful. "Speaking of your own true love, I took her out for lunch earlier today and ended up inviting her to a party at NYU tonight. If you can make it, you should come, too."

Nate immediately nodded. "I might be a little late, but I'll try my best to make it." He paused for a moment before continuing. "I have a feeling Jenny won't be happy to see me."

* * *

He came to the party later than he expected - close to twelve thirty, when he'd planned to come an hour or two earlier. The party was in full swing and he'd gotten about three texts from Blair already asking where he was, so Nate went off to find her first. It seemed to him that Blair had ordered some people to watch for him and alert her when he came, because Blair found him within a minute's time. He felt her tiny hand on his arm, already tugging him in a direction as she began to lecture him.

"I can _not _believe you're so late, you won't believe what she's doing, I swear as soon as she heard your name she--"

"What are you talking about Blair? You're confusing me, and where are we going?" Nate asked, trying to remain calm.

"Jenny heard someone mention that you were going to come tonight and she just froze over, I swear. I mean, froze more than usual. Anyway she pretty much bolted for the alcohol and she wouldn't listen to me or Chuck -- where is he, anyway?" Blair pulled Nate into a room and stopped to look around for her boyfriend while Nate feasted his eyes on the sight before him.

There was Jenny Humphrey, a shot glass in her manicured hand, dancing with at least three other guys in the center of the dancing crowd; her partners were changing faster than he could keep track of, and as Nate prowled around the room trying to figure out how to get to her, he heard various other young men making comments about her. Things he had once thought and still did, even now, as the thin straps of her body-hugging black dress kept slipping down her shoulders. The way she moved when she danced, her reckless manner, the way she kept biting down on her lower lip -- they were all admiring it and Nate had that jealous feeling in his stomach. He couldn't handle it at all. Nate managed to worm his way into the middle of the circle in the space of a few minutes. He wasn't sure where Blair had gone, but he felt like he could use her help as he pushed someone's hands off Jenny's body.

"Jenny, you need to stop," he called over the music, placing her hands on her shoulders to make her turn and face him. When her eyes took in his face they widened a little, and then she lifted her shot glass to her lips and finished it off. His eyebrows furrowed as he glared at her, and he was being jostled by the people around him, which only added to his frustration.

She smirked at him. "Can one of you get me another drink?" She called out sweetly, holding out the glass; some guy eagerly took it and disappeared. Jenny's stance was unstable and wobbly; she stumbled a little, then clutched onto Nate's shirt for balance.

"That's it, you're leaving with me." Nate stated, tugging on her a little.

"I don't want to leave!" Jenny replied, trying to pull herself away from him. Nate tugged harder only to have one of the young men that she was previously dancing with get in his way.

"She said she doesn't want to leave, man."

"Mind your own fucking business," Nate shot back in reply, tightening his grip on Jenny. He expected the guy to hit him, but something else happened instead.

"Get away from her." Scott's voice boomed from nearby and Nate looked over in surprise, assuming that the dark-haired boy was talking to him. But he wasn't. Scott had appeared with Chuck and the two were pushing a path through the crowd; Nate lifted Jenny over his shoulder and carried her along the path quickly, ignoring the way she scratched at his back and punched his shoulders. Near the entrance of the home Scott and Chuck stopped, turning around to face Nate; Blair came up behind them with Jenny's purse and coat. Nate set Jenny down on her feet and she glared icily at them.

"She can't go home like this," Scott said worriedly, placing his hands on Jenny's waist to steady her footing. Jenny mumbled something about feeling fine and waved a hand at him as if she were shooing away a fly.

"Rufus certainly wouldn't be pleased to say the least." Chuck noted, glancing over at Nate and raising his eyebrows a little as if he were trying to hint at something. Nate stared back at him in confusion and then looked at Blair, whose mouth was silently twitching the syllables 'a-part-ment'...

_Oh._

"I'll take her to my apartment. I'll take care of her tonight," Nate said brightly, and Chuck and Blair rolled their eyes at the same time.

* * *

Surprisingly, Jenny hadn't put up much of a fight. Scott had managed to convince her to go with Nate, and during the silent cab ride she had rested her head against Nate's broad shoulder. When they arrived at his apartment she'd let him scoop her up in his arms -- she was so light-- and she had actually pressed her face against his chest. It was a screwed up sort of heaven for him, and he hated it when he had to put her down to get his key.

Jenny had to throw up soon after entering his apartment, and he held back her hair for her in the bathroom and got her water and helped her clean off her smudged makeup. She looked just as beautiful without it -- she reminded him now of how innocent she'd looked when they'd first met. Her pale eyelashes and flushed cheeks only reminded him of how fragile she really was. She was thin and a lightweight, so Nate was a little worried; he just wanted her to be okay, and didn't like seeing her like this.

"Do you feel better?" Nate asked her as he lead her to his bedroom. Jenny nodded a little.

"I don't feel like throwing up anymore... I'm just tired," she stated wearily, gripping his hand tightly. Her icy facade was gone and Nate felt both afraid and relieved at the same time, at least until she started unzipping her dress in his bedroom. At that moment a completely different mixture of emotions overcame him.

"What are you doing?" Nate questioned in alarm, looking at her with wide eyes.

"I don't want to sleep in this, it's not comfortable," She replied hazily, and Nate watched as her dress was pulled off to reveal a black strapless bra with matching underwear. He would have closed his eyes if he were able to, but all he could do was stare.

"Let me... get you a shirt to sleep in." He said, moving slowly to the other side of the room. Nate got her the biggest t-shirt he could find and helped Jenny into it, letting his fingertips brush her shoulders and torso, before picking her up again and placing her on his bed. He tucked her in before shifting around silently, aware that Jenny's eyes were on him as he changed into a pair of shorts. He eventually climbed onto the other side of the bed and looked at her; streetlights filtered in through the window to illuminate her face, and he saw that she had finally closed her eyes.

Nate couldn't sleep with her beside him, although he hadn't slept much in the past few days. His moments with her were too precious and spaced too far apart for him to take this for granted; he also wanted to make sure she'd be okay while she slept. She was breathing normally, which was good, and as her chest rose and fell evenly, he noticed that she was the most appealing just like this. At total peace in his shirt, wrapped up in the scent that was purely his. His scent would linger on her and claim her as his and that was all he wanted -- for Jenny to be his.

She started to toss and turn sometime into the night, when Nate was on the brink of sleep. When he heard her whimper his eyes flew open and he sat up, watching her with concern as she kicked the sheets away from her body to expose her long, bare legs. Leaning in, he pressed the back of his hand against her face to make sure she wasn't heating up with fever -- instead, he felt tears streaking along the curve of her cheek. She swatted at his hand violently and he moved it to her neck to feel her pulse; it was accelerating.

"Wait," she murmured quietly. "Vanessa, wait... Vanessa...!" Nate sucked in his breath at the mention of Vanessa's name, and his eyes widened with shock. Jenny opened her eyes few moments later, her body paralyzed with the shock of a terrifying nightmare, and her breathing was harsh. Her mouth turned downward into a trembling pout, and Nate just stared down at her, pulling his hand away from her neck. They were silent for a time, both unable to speak.

"I try not to think about her. But I can't. I think about her all the time," she whispered, her voice sounding exhausted. Her mouth wobbled a little with the threat of tears. "So I try not to think about anything. I try not to feel anything, and it works. But she always comes in my sleep. It's always the same bad dream." Nate nodded a little to encourage her to keep talking. He was too afraid to speak for fear that she would stop. "I'm always running after her because I need to tell her that I'm sorry. I need her to forgive me. But I can't find her. I can't find Vanessa, because she's gone and it's all my fault." Her voice cut off here-- a choked sound came from her instead-- and the tears made their way down her face. "I-It's all my fault."

Nate took her in his arms then and cradled her in his lap like a child. She curled into him, pressing her forehead against his naked chest, and she cried softly as he spoke. "It's not your fault. Don't think that, Jenny. It's not your fault." He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead repeatedly, stealing those kisses like a greedy thief, because he would never be able to hold her like this, kiss her like this as long as she felt guilty.

Nate rubbed her back until the tears subsided, and then he spoke again. "I don't want you to feel that way, Jenny."

She closed her eyes for few moments, as if she were in pain. "Then stay away from me." His arms disobeyed and tightened around her body instead.

"What?"

"It hurts the worst around you. I can't hold the guilt back or any of the feelings... It's hard to hold anything back around you. You make the pain real. You make me hurt." And then Nate felt guilty, too, because the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. He was silent as he let go of her, putting her back on the spot that she was sleeping on before.

"Are you mad at me?" Jenny asked, her voice reminding him of a child's as she sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, looking over at him.

Nate shook his head. "No. Never. Just..." He chewed on his lip and took in a deep breath. Without another word he placed his feet on the ground and strode across the room, looking around the drawers in his desk for something. He placed several objects on it before finally finding what he was looking for. Nate returned to Jenny, sitting beside her. He held out what was in his hand: a tiny ring box that was oddly familiar. Jenny looked into his blue eyes curiously, and then she understood, and she couldn't speak. His fingers pried the box gently open to show what was inside -- his mother's engagement ring.

"Do you remember this?" He asked her, his voice soft. "I was supposed to give it to Blair so long ago. I showed it to you when we sat on some steps and skipped her birthday party. We talked and talked and you even held this in your own hand. You said it was beautiful," The last few notes turned pleading and his voice cracked in the middle of the last word, because Jenny was already shaking her head. "But I want to give it to you. You're the only one I want to give it to."

"I can't take this, Nate. I can't... The guilt..." Jenny pushed his hand away gently. Nate shook his head and refused to budge; he closed the box and set it down on the bed. Nate brought his hands up to her face and cupped her chin softly, making Jenny look at him.

"Jenny," he said her name imploringly, and she almost melted at the sound of it. "I will wait. I will wait for you. By taking the ring you aren't making any promises. Instead, I'm making a promise to you. A promise that I will always be there for you. Please take it. Please, Jenny. Please." His thumb stroked her cheek lightly. "Please." He pleaded with her just like this for another minute, just using that one word over and over in his soft voice that massaged and stung her wounds at the same time. And eventually, she stopped shaking her head, and he said it one more time.

"Please. For me. _Please_."

She nodded after a moment and after that there was no turning back. Nate couldn't help but grin widely, and she smiled a little at the sight of him hopping out of bed to shove the box in her purse so that she wouldn't forget it. Nate was acting like a child that had received the best gift ever on Christmas, but maybe if he had looked a little harder he'd have noticed that she was hurting at the sight of it. Because this was just to make Nate happy. She could never deny him, never refuse him -- but she couldn't have him, either, and that hurt the worst.

So he held her in his arms that night and slept better than he had in all his years. When he woke up it was noon -- and Jenny was not in his arms. Instead there was simply a note in her place, with a little drawing of a ring on it and two words below.

_'For now.'

* * *

_

**We're getting near the end of the story! There are about three chapters left to write, maybe four! Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed. By the way... Expect the unexpected next chapter. You will cry! You will smile! But most of all, I hope you will like it.  
**


	12. Chapter Twelve

_Stay awake, stay awake, survive. I've got nineteen stars that I  
that I gave your name tonight. i wanna scream wanna scream  
your name - starlight my life can save, you're my wish tonight...  
no one can catch me the way that you catch me the way  
that you keep me when I'm out of time what if I need  
you when I can't see you? I'm running out of life._

_-Meg & Dia_

Ruby, Vanessa's sister, came to visit the loft as the first week of May came to a close. Jenny was not told about this, so when she came out of her room after taking a nap one Friday evening, she almost had a heart attack because she thought Vanessa's ghost was sitting on the couch. Ruby was quite similar to Vanessa when it came to her appearance except for the fact that her eyes were a dark brown and she was a bit taller than Vanessa; her clothing style wasn't as quirky and was more on the punk rock side, which made sense since Ruby was in a band. However, when Jenny approached her, Ruby smiled a smile that was exactly like Vanessa's. At that, Jenny's chest ached guiltily and mournfully.

"Jenny," Ruby said warmly; they had met a few times previous, but not very much. Jenny sat beside her, gave the girl a hug, and managed to crack a smile, her veins throbbing with the weight of guilt. She pushed that emotion away and settled into her cool facade. Ruby raised her eyebrows, noting Jenny's behavior; Dan had briefly mentioned it once. "Did I scare you? You looked terrified to see me."

Her cold front cracked a little. Lying to Vanessa's sister just wasn't an option. "To be honest, I thought you were Vanessa's ghost. You just look so much like her..." She trailed off as Ruby smiled a little, and Jenny looked at her with concerned eyes. "How have you been since the...?" Jenny couldn't bring herself to say the word funeral. Ever since last week with Nate and the ring, which was still tucked away in her purse (she refused to look at it or think about it; the pain that came with it was enormous), her facade had been a weak one. She coudn't do it anymore. She couldn't be ice when the pain inside ravaged around her chest like a fire that refused to die down. She was burning on the inside and it wasn't the good sort of burning, it wasn't the on-fire feeling she used to get when Nate touched her -- it was the kind that hurt every particle of her being. It was a terrible battle; sometimes she could push the pain into a corner of her mind, and she then would easily pick up her icy mask once more. But then, just when she thought she had it under control, the pain would escape and she'd become weak and exhausted.

Ruby understood. "Honestly? It gets harder every day." She met Jenny's eyes with a sad smile, and she shrugged a little. "But there's nothing to be done. So you live with it." These words struck a chord inside Jenny's chest, and she felt herself shaking, because she lived with it. It got harder each and every day, but she lived with it.

"How did you get in here?" Jenny asked, wanting to change the topic. She looked around and did not see Dan or her father.

"Dan let me in about an hour ago while you were asleep. He got a phone call from some girl named Blair about five minutes ago and stepped outside..." Ruby's brow furrowed a little. "He sure is taking his time."

Almost as if on cue in some strangely sick and bizarre sitcom, Dan came into the loft. He came in slowly -- and immediately, Jenny knew that something was wrong. She could see it in the shocked expression in his eyes, in his hair which had been run through by his fingers over and over, and the slow way that he walked in. His dark eyes registered Jenny sitting beside Ruby and he closed the door behind him slowly, blinking at the two girls repeatedly.

"Dan? What's wrong?" Jenny asked immediately, her voice taking on tones of concern.

He spoke slowly, his eyes flitting from Ruby's dark ones to Jenny's blue eyes. "There's been an accident. A car accident."

Ruby took in a deep and shaky breath. "Who?"

Dan was quiet for a moment. He seemed to mechanically snap to attention, and to avoid the question, he bustled around, looking for his jacket and wallet. "We have to go immediately. We need to go. Come on."

"Dan, who?" Ruby repeated, her voice alarmed.

Dan stopped at the door, and he didn't look at Jenny. "Nate."

Jenny closed her eyes before he even finished saying it.

"Let's go to the hospital. Maybe... we should be there..." Dan trailed off. Jenny sat there frozen for a time, unable to do or say or think anything. Nate. Her Nate. _Nate_. She had to see him, had to make sure he'd be okay...

_Vanessa_. The name throbbed through her veins like paralyzing venom and her muscles tensed. _Vanessa. Nate. Vanessa. Nate. _Their faces flashed across her eyelids so quickly she could feel her head spinning. This was the worst moment to choose between the two.

When she opened her eyes, Ruby was still there, looking shocked.

"Let's go, Jenny. Come on." Ruby said quietly, getting to her feet. She stared down at Jenny as the blonde shook her head.

"I'm not going. You guys can go without me." Jenny said quietly, not looking at them.

_Vanessa, Vanessa._

There was silence as Dan put on his jacket. Jenny heard him hesitate and there was whispering and she heard Ruby say, "Just wait five minutes, hold the taxi." The door opened and closed, and Jenny looked up to see Ruby there and Dan gone. Ruby came back to her former spot on the couch, and she looked at Jenny seriously.

"Why don't you want to see Nate, Jenny?" Ruby asked softly, and Jenny looked into her eyes desperately to see nothing but concern, and she felt like she could open up to her. Maybe it was because she looked so much like Vanessa, maybe it was because she was Vanessa's sister, or maybe it was because Ruby seemed to be the type of person who gave good advice. So Jenny told her about that night on the boat; she told Ruby every little detail, starting from even before that night, back to when it all started at a masked ball and where it ended at a courtyard with autumn leaves falling and a funeral behind them. And where they now were, how two little words like _for now _scared the living shit out of her because they had become more literal than she'd ever imagined. If something terrible happened to Nate... if he wasn't okay... if he didn't make it, for now was just a memory. For now was gone. For now was no more.

"And I just can't, Ruby. I can't go there. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to walk in that room and see him on that hospital bed because it'd be just like that morning when I went to see Vanessa and she was dead. I don't want him to be dead, but Vanessa loved him and he loved her and it's all my fault. It's all my fault she's gone... Because of Nate, we weren't even on that great of terms when she died! I regret letting him get in between us. If I hadn't been in the picture Vanessa wouldn't have left the manor and Mr. Van der Woodsen wouldn't have killed her. She'd be with Nate and she'd be happy."

Ruby had been silent the entire time. When Jenny finally came to a stop, Ruby looked completely taken aback. Jenny winced a little, wondering if she'd offended Ruby after all.

"Jenny..." Ruby said slowly, looking at the blonde with the most serious of expressions on her face. "Don't blame yourself at all. First off, I know for a fact that Vanessa loved you before she died. Don't look at me like that! I know it might feel like I'm just saying that, but she did. She told me so herself. You may think that it doesn't make sense at all if she was in love with Nate, but the thing is, she wasn't in love with him. Trust me, she was long over him before she died. She loved someone else."

Every word Ruby said hit Jenny like a blow across the face, and if she had been standing, there was a high chance she would have staggered. She barely managed to murmur, "Who?"

Ruby smiled bitterly. "She loved Scott. I met him the day of the funeral, you know that? I understand why she loved him. He's very good looking and sweet and genuine. She would have done anything for him. I mean it, Jenny. It was crazy. She was just head over heels, and she'd only known him for such a short time. But that was Vanessa, you know? Once she loved someone, she put her all into it. No boundaries, no limits..."

"What about that guy from Paris?" Jenny managed to ask, recalling what Nate had told her about his last conversation with Vanessa.

Ruby sighed. "A cover-up. She stopped talking to that guy as soon as she ran into Scott again in August. She didn't tell anyone about her feelings for Scott, least of all Nate, because she knew that the two disliked each other. Scott knew about her feelings for him though."

Scott. Vanessa. The manor. Jenny's head whirled as Ruby got up, patting her shoulder and exiting the loft quietly. Minutes passed in quiet solitude until Jenny picked up her phone and dialed a certain boy's number, ready to hear the truth.

* * *

"So we're alone?" Scott asked, shooting Jenny a nervous glance as he stepped into the silent loft. Jenny nodded numbly, ignoring his next question: "Why aren't you at the hospital with everyone else?"

"Why aren't you?" Jenny responded, crossing her arms. She didn't bother inviting him to sit.

"I was taking a final and I had my phone off. When I turned it on I had texts from you and Blair. Of course I came to you first. What's up?" Things with Scott had been so tense lately, and she missed the Scott that had been her best friend. Had she changed? Or had he? When did they fall apart like this?

"Tell me the truth." She demanded softly, and his eyebrows snapped together in confusion. "Tell me the truth about that night at the manor. That night where you told me that you weren't my brother and that you had feelings for me. I know Vanessa loved you. Why did she come there the same night as you, only to tell Nate that she loved him?"

Scott pressed his soft lips together. "I can't tell you, Jenny. You'd lose all respect for me."

Jenny took in a deep breath before looking into his eyes. "Please tell me, Scott." She pleaded gently. "This is really important. I know we're not as close as we used to be but you used to be my rock. Please just be honest with me. I think I deserve that much."

His resolve weakened, flickered, died. Scott ran a hand through his hark hair with a sigh. "I've always cared about you, Jenny, you know that? Always. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did... I regret everything."

The pain in Jenny's chest throbbed, and she couldn't even bother to put on her cold front. "What do you regret, Scott?" She probed gently, and she looked into his eyes to see that they were pained and hazy and guilty like her own had been for the longest time after the funeral.

He took in a shaky breath. "I knew Vanessa was in love with me; she told me. And I liked her too, I guess. But my feelings were stronger for you. She told me that all she wanted was for me to be happy. So I told her I wasn't happy without you in my life. When I found out that Owen was my dad... I don't know. I acted on impulse. I called her with a plan right on the spot and we headed on over to the manor. It wasn't well thought out, but I thought that Nate would choose to be with her or at the very least he'd hook up with her again. I figured he'd do something to prove that he didn't really care about you, that he wasn't right for you. That he wasn't the one. But he didn't. He did the opposite of that. He didn't leave you; instead, you left me on the balcony for him. I didn't stick around. I went to find Vanessa.

"When I found her I kissed her. I didn't see why not because she was crying and she looked pretty and I did have feelings for her. You weren't interested so I figured I'd settle on Vanessa. She was shaking. I don't know how long we kissed for but when she pulled away she said she couldn't do it. She couldn't believe that she'd just tried to jeopardize a relationship and get into a fake one just because of me. So she left. I never saw her again. And every day I have to live with the feeling that if it weren't for me, if I weren't in the picture, she'd be alive." Scott's voice cut off, and he stared down at his hands, unable to speak anymore; there was nothing left to be said.

All this time Scott had lived with guilt and Jenny had been too blind to see it. They were one in the same; that last sentence even reminded her of what she'd said to Ruby. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe it was Jenny's fault. Maybe it was nobody's fault except for fate's, or destiny's, if you believed in those things. And although maybe Jenny should have been mad at him, she couldn't be. Because they all had made mistakes from the start.

"I'm sorry." Jenny whispered softly, and Scott looked up at her. "I really am."

His eyes were gentle. "I am too." He reached out and took her hand. "I've been worried about you ever since the funeral. Do you know that all of us went to Nate about you? Me, Dan, Serena... everyone. He's the one for you." Scott smiled at her, letting go of her hand now. "Don't push him out anymore. You should go before it's too late." He glanced out the window and his brow furrowed. Much time had passed since the news had gotten out, and it was now very dark outside. Scott glanced at his watch. "Visiting hours ended at nine though."

Jenny was already gathering her jacket and purse. "It's okay. I'll be able to get in." She smiled up at him half-heartedly, and it was the first time he'd seen her smile in the longest time. Scott walked with her out of the loft, and when a taxi pulled up, he turned to her.

"Good luck," he said honestly, holding out his arms. Jenny hugged him for a few moments, and then they broke apart.

"Thank you," she replied before getting into the taxi.

For the first time in a long time, she felt the ashes of her heart slowly begin to piece together, and she was terribly afraid of them falling apart.

* * *

**Not what you were expecting, was it? I hoped you guys liked this chapter. Two more left! I just realized that I'll probably have to have an epilogue (not saying what happens in the end, though... who knows if Nate will make it or not?) so tell me what you would like to see in the epilogue. I always love getting suggestions, after all. Thanks for your reviews!**


	13. Chapter Thirteen

_Now my heart is in your hands, your hands  
Every day I will wait - till you're mine again  
I will die every day - till you're mine again  
There's no words to explain, no beginning  
and no end. I will dream, I will pray - you'll  
be mine again. It's just time that runs  
between us. It's the ocean underneath  
us__. It's the picture that won't fade away.  
- Black Lab_

A young woman stepped into the hospital lobby; the nurse behind the desk looked at her curiously. The girl looked frazzled and worried and almost frozen over, which was odd since it was May after all. Such expressions were quite commonly found in the people who visited the hospital -- well, at least, the first two were. The last, not so much. Her blonde hair was messy and spread all over her shoulders, her arms were wrapped around her body like tightly wound bandages, and her purse was held closely to her side.

"May I help you?" The nurse asked, taking note of the lost expression on the girl's face. The girl's blue eyes flickered around and finally met her own.

"Y-yes. I'm here to see Nate--"

"--Archibald." The nurse finished, already looking away. "He's had a lot of visitors today... Well I'm sorry ma'am, but you're just going to have to come tomorrow. Visiting hours are closed."

"So he's okay?" The girl responded eagerly, and the nurse looked back at her to see the most heartbreaking of relieved expressions.

"It's hard to say. It was a very bad accident. We've got him on a lot of painkillers and sedatives right now," The nurse responded frankly, and the girl wilted like a flower. "I'm sure you'll receive more information if you visit tomorrow; only family can come and visit patients after hours."

The girl's eyes were sad, her mouth set in a bitter line as she held up her hand and revealed a breathtaking ring on her finger.

"Please," The girl pleaded softly. "Take me to him."

* * *

The hospital had always been one of Jenny's least favorite places in the world. The fact that it was eerily dark and quiet after hours did not help. However, the distaste she had for this place did not make her walk any faster, because there was a stronger fear in her stomach. What if he wasn't okay? What if the room was just like Vanessa's horrific room? Jenny would never forget the slow uneven beating of the girl's heart, eventually followed by a long steady beep as it failed. When Jenny finally reached Nate's room she touched the doorknob, breathed in, and rested her forehead against the door for a moment. The boy that she adored, that she _loved_, was on the other side of that door. He controlled her every emotion, every thought, and she had realized it too late.

Jenny finally opened the door and stepped into the room; it was darkly lit, and her pulse throbbed as her eyes scanned the room. There was a bed in the middle. She stepped closer and closer to Nate's form on the bed, afraid of what she'd see.

He was hooked up to IVs and all sorts of objects that Jenny didn't understand. There were cuts on his face, beneath his beautiful hair, and all over what she could see of his arms. She could make out some sort of padding around his ribcage beneath the hospital clothing that he was wearing. His chest was rising and falling at a steady pace as he slept. He looked so fragile, so broken and weak that she could feel her own body ache. She sat down on a bedside chair and stared at him for the longest time, simply watching him.

Would he be okay? Would he make it through? Jenny's throat closed up at the thought of a world without him. A world without Nate was no world at all -- it was hell.

After a time she called his name softly. "Nate," she murmured, letting her hand take his hand gently. Of course he didn't awaken. Her mouth began to tremble and she leaned down quickly, kissing the soft underside of his palm; she refused to look at the IV needle that was stuck into the other side. The fact that Nate, her Nate, the one who was always so strong and sturdy and stable, had to be hooked up to an IV to survive frightened her. Leaning down, she pressed her forehead against the side of the bed, holding onto his hand for the longest time.

"I'm sorry," she finally whispered; who knew how many minutes had passed. She raised her head up again, looking at his pale face. "I'm sorry," she said again, the tears slipping down her cheeks although she tried desperately to hold them back.

"You know, I never got to tell you that I care about you. Always have, this entire time, ever since the day I met you," Jenny said, smiling bitterly through her tears. "You told me you'd wait for me." Jenny paused again, and she fought against the silence that took over her body."I need you I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you that," she choked out, the tears escaping more freely and rapidly now. Her hand left his for the briefest of moments to wipe her cheeks. When she put her hand back on his again, his grip was lifeless.

"Because," she whispered shakily, the word shooting through her mind and breaking a thousand bottles full of memories. "B-because you swore you'd never leave. Remember that night on the boat? You swore it. I made you break it at the funeral. I-is it too late to take that back?" Of course Nate didn't respond, and a little sob came out of her mouth. "Don't leave. Don't leave me like this, n-not when I need you. Nate, d-don't leave. You promised you'd never hurt me, but this hurts so much. Don't leave or you'll hurt me even more, okay?" She bargained desperately, wiping fiercely at the tears that wouldn't stop, and for a few moments, she couldn't speak because of the intensity of her tears.

"D-do you know how hard it is to live without you?" She murmured hoarsely, stroking her thumb along the lines on the underside of his hand. "The only reason I made it through those months after Vanessa's death was because I knew you were out there somewhere. Remember New Year's Eve? I told you not to move, I stole your blunt. You asked what was up with me that day. Truth is I missed you. I needed you. How long had it been since I'd seen you? I can't do it anymore without you, Nate. So please... p-please come back." She sniffed and paused, staring at his face silently as her tears continued to fall. He was as motionless as ever.

Her mouth trembled as she continued to speak. "Remember when I told you that you meant nothing? I'm so sorry about that, too. I lied to you--" her voice cut off as another sob escaped her lips. "And when I t-told you that I wanted you to stay away from me that night in your apartment, that was a lie too. Don't stay away. Don't leave me. Please d-don't leave me alone like this. Y-you mean everything. You mean everything to me. You are my everything because..." Jenny couldn't stop crying here, and she closed her eyes tightly, shaking her head and letting go of his hand. "B-because I love you."

She rose to her feet, unable to take it anymore. Jenny wiped at her eyes blindly and left the hospital room, shutting it softly behind her. Jenny pressed her back against the door and slid down, letting the last few tears fall freely.

If she had stayed a few moments more, she would have seen him open his blue eyes very slowly. At one point during her speech, when she had let go of his hand to reach up to wipe her eyes, his fingers had twitched. When she was looking away from his face once, his eyelashes had fluttered. She would have known that he had heard everything.

When Jenny was done, she wiped her face and looked up and almost had a heart attack at what she saw. Anne Archibald was by the elevators, looking like she'd been standing there for a while. Jenny got to her feet quickly, and Nate's mother smiled and came over.

"Hi, Mrs. Archibald," Jenny greeted in a weak voice, and she couldn't stop her hands from grabbing each other; her hands always had to do something when she was nervous, and she refrained from cracking her knuckles. She had never really met Nate's mother before. "I'm--"

"--Jenny." Mrs. Archibald finished, giving her another tired smile. "I remember you from the gala a few months ago." Jenny blinked at her in surprise. "And of course, he and Lily have mentioned you several times. Were you visiting him just now? How is he?"

Jenny chewed on her bottom lip. She was baffled that Anne Archibald remembered her, and even more so that she'd been mentioned to Anne on several occasions. "I don't know," Jenny replied honestly, and Anne's face saddened.

"I just couldn't stay home, so I decided to come here. I hate the thought of Nate being alone. I'm glad you were with him," Anne stated, and Jenny managed to smile at her. Anne looked at Jenny thoughtfully for a moment. "You know, my son loves you. It's quite clear to everyone."

Jenny couldn't help but smile, completely thrown off guard. She sniffled a little, so sure that her eyeliner was just a smudged mess beneath her eyes. "Really?"

Anne smiled and offered Jenny a tissue, which she accepted gratefully. "Yes. Very much so. Actually," Anne paused and began to search through her purse. "I found this on his desk when I went to his apartment today. I wanted to bring him some items that he might need and I stumbled upon this. I felt the need to bring it, but I couldn't bring myself to read it..." Anne finally pulled out an envelope and held it out to Jenny. "It's addressed to you."

_The letter._

"Thank you," Jenny murmured. She felt as if she'd been struck with a hammer. As soon as she touched it, she felt as if sparks were emitting from it; her hands were tingling with anticipation. This letter had been the catalyst, the cause and destruction of everything. She loved it, hated it, wanted to know what was in it and wanted to stay far away from it at the same time. So she simply tucked it into her coat pocket and thanked Anne once more. Anne's eyes were already distant, trained on the door of Nate's room, and Jenny took it as her signal to go.

She left town at sunrise.

* * *

**Next chapter is the last chapter. Hope you will enjoy it! Thank you guys so much for each and every review. They all encourage me to keep going with this story. Even if you don't review, I appreciate your taking the time to read this.  
**


	14. Chapter Fourteen

_Baby, it's been a long time waiting, such  
a long long time, and I can't stop  
smiling, oh I can't stop now. Do you  
hear my heart beating? Do you hear  
that sound? 'Cause I can't stop  
crying and I won't look down and then I  
looked up at the sun and I could see oh,  
the way that gravity turns on you and me.  
_

_-Coldplay_

Jenny left for Hudson when the sun rose. Her mother still lived there, and although Jenny refused to tell Alison why she was coming to stay, her mother didn't protest. Jenny didn't spend a lot of time with her mom, so there was really no point in Alison objecting -- she was just happy to have her daughter with her for a time. Alison was worried about Jenny's schoolwork, though. Jenny insisted that the next two weeks of school would consist of just reviewing and finals, and that any absences would be taken care of; her mother couldn't help but notice that Jenny gently touched the sparkly headband on her head when saying so. Jenny took the train into the city to take her finals and she'd come right back to Hudson. She refused to speak to anyone, refused to turn on her cell phone, and Alison was deeply worried. Rather than going to Jenny about it, she asked Rufus, and he filled her in on what had happened to Nate; with this information in mind, Alison left Jenny alone, simply keeping a watchful eye on her without interfering.

Rufus called occasionally. Right from the beginning, Jenny told Rufus not to mention Nate. Nobody mentioned him to her at school because they had no reason to link the two together; nobody knew about her visit to his hospital room. On occasion she'd hear the words 'Nate Archibald' linked to 'Ferrari' and 'accident' and that was all she needed to hear. She avoided Gossip Girl as well. She simply didn't want to think about it. The thought of him still hooked up to needles and units scared the shit out of her. She didn't want to know if he had gotten worse, and she didn't want to hear if he was getting better either, because there was always the chance of being let down. Jenny now realized that letdowns were a common factor in her life; she could not escape them. However, she did keep the ring he had given her on her finger at all times. It was the one thing that she felt kept her from going completely insane with the sorrow that overtook her being. It was a numb sort of sorrow, really -- the kind one has but refuses to acknowledge. She simply refused to think about it; she was waiting for something, but she wasn't sure what it was.

She felt as if she were in purgatory, that place between life and death but it wasn't her life or death that she was worried about. And right now, she didn't want to know. She was too afraid to know if Nate was still alive, or...

So the world kept spinning like it always did, and Jenny kept moving and kept breathing. But the world wasn't the same; colors were duller and nothing held her attention for long. She noticed little things like the fraying of the rug in her mother's kitchen and the flowers that grew each day with the arrival of spring, but she was never able to focus on these little details for more than a few seconds. They came and went. Jenny was not numb -- her ice cold facade was gone -- but she was not in tune with her true emotions either. She was simply there, her feelings muted and not as acute as they should have been, simply waiting for something.

Rufus called the day after her last final. Jenny had been curled up in bed, staring out the window at the gentle rain, when her mother came in. Jenny looked at her mother's cellphone, which was outstretched to her, and then cast her mother an unwilling look before taking the call.

"Hey Dad."

"Jen! How were your finals? Dan says hi by the way -- he's right next to me -- you know he moved back in this week, right? He's staying in the loft this summer."

"That's great, Dad," she replied dully. "And they went fine. Aced them all."

There was a silence on her father's end of the phone; Rufus was most likely noting the fact that Jenny hadn't cheered up at all.

"Jen," he said seriously, and Jenny felt her heart quicken. "You know that Nate--"

Before Rufus could go any farther, Jenny made loud sounds of protest as she pulled her ear back from the phone. She thought she heard Dan protesting in the background as well, and she leaned into the phone again to hear the two whispering indistinctly. She heard Rufus say something along the lines of 'oh, really?' before he was back.

"Alright, sorry, sorry. I won't say anything... in fact, maybe I should let you go... I have a feeling you'll be okay in no time. See you soon." Rufus said, sounding strangely cheery. Rufus was terrible at lying to Jenny, and she almost felt the need to probe into what he was so obviously hiding, but she refrained.

It hadn't rained in ages. Jenny simply couldn't resist going outside; she had always loved the rain. There was something so refreshing and cleansing about it that she simply couldn't resist now. She scoured around her room for the only jacket she'd brought, the jacket she'd worn to the hospital and had worn on the train, and threw it on before practically dashing outside. Jenny tilted her head to the sky and felt raindrops hit her face, and she closed her eyes, basking in how it felt. She twirled around, glad that the streets were nearly empty.

When she stopped twirling she stuck her hands in her pockets and felt something folded up in one of them. With a pang in her chest, she realized that the letter was still where she'd left it. Jenny had forced herself to forget about it and actually had. She'd pulled the letter out of its envelope a few times, but had never had the courage to open it. Reading the letter meant facing not only her fears and feelings, but Nate's as well. Jenny stopped walking and leaned against the wall of a building; she slowly pulled the letter out of her pocket, her heart pounding. Why had her father mentioned Nate today? Why had his tone been so odd while doing so? Had something happened to him? Was he out of the hospital, had he recovered, or was there just no hope for him? Jenny felt fear grip her throat like a fist but she ignored it and chose to read the letter.

The letter was many pages long. What was this letter doing on Nate's desk, where his mother had found it, when he'd written it more than a year ago?

_'I can't hide the way that I really feel about you. These emotions are too strong for me to pretend that they don't exist...' _Did he still feel that way now? Jenny had to close her eyes here and remind herself that this letter was written a long time ago, before things fell apart, before Vanessa came and went.

_'I think about you all the time--'_ Jenny couldn't help but smile bitterly here, a tear escaping one of her eyes as she realized that now, that phrase was true for her. She thought about Nate all the time; he hadn't left her thoughts even once since he'd given her the ring. _'Now that your brother knows about us, I have to stay away from you, but I don't want to. I really care about you. I just don't know what to do.'_

The letter came to an end and Jenny folded it up slowly. The light rain pattered on top of her head slowly and gently, and she wiped at her eyes. She began to walk back to her mother's home, her arms wrapped tightly around her body. She turned the corner and her heart stopped at the sight that was before her.

There was a limo parked outside of the building, and Nate Archibald had apparently just gotten out of the car; he had just shut the door behind him when she came into sight, and for the longest time, they just stared at each other before she rushed to him. She took in his face, the stitches on one cheek, and she reached up hesitantly to touch them. Nate sighed and closed his eyes; it felt like ages since she'd touched him so tenderly.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered gently, looking at him with sad eyes. The rain rolled down his cheeks, too light to drench his hair quite yet. Nate smiled at her widely, and she couldn't help but smile too through the tears that collected in her eyes.

"When did you get out of the hospital?"

"Just the other day. I wanted to come to you as soon as I could, but my mother refused to let me head here immediately after I got out." Nate grinned down at her, and she felt her heart begin to piece itself together. "My mother told me she gave you the letter." Jenny nodded slowly. "Every word in that letter's still true, you know." His voice had become a little nervous, as if he were afraid that she would deny him again.

She was silent for a moment, absorbing that in, and then she smiled a little at him. "Even the Dan part?" She asked with a quirk of her eyebrow, and Nate laughed in surprise for a moment before wincing and touching his rib gently. Jenny's smile immediately vanished and she looked at him in concern, her hand leaving his face to touch the same place he had. "What's wrong?"

Nate grimaced. "Broke my ribs in the accident. That's what I get for acting stupid in a Ferrari though, right? Don't worry," Nate added in quickly to dispel the tormented expression on Jenny's face. "I've been healing quickly. I'll be in good condition in no time, they've actually recovered quite rapidly in the past few weeks."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "About everything. All the things I've done and said in the past few months..."

"I know. I heard you when you visited me in the hospital." He reached out and wiped her tears away with his rough hands, and then took her hand. He smiled with contagious joy at the right of the ring on her finger, and Jenny had the feeling that he would have pulled her right into him and spun her around if he weren't in such terrible condition. Instead Nate kissed her hand, right beside where the ring rested, and she softly pressed her other hand on one of his cheeks. "At the hospital, you said that you loved me. Did you mean it?"

Jenny sucked in her breath, wiping the rain off his cheekbones absentmindedly. "Yes -- yes, of course..."

Nate smiled down at her. "Good, because I love you, too."

And there on a street in Hudson, New York, with the light May rain rolling along their skin he kissed her, and she kissed him back. Nate pulled her in close and occasionally he'd wince when she'd press too hard against his ribcage, and Jenny would move back and grab at his shirt instead only to eventually gravitate toward his body once more. And for the first time in a long time, there in his arms, Jenny felt her heart begin to piece itself back together.

* * *

_Epilogue_

Several weeks later it was the fourth of July and Nate had hosted a little party on one of his medium-sized boats. There were just six people in attendance including Nate. Fireworks lit up the sky and the music was soft, matching the gentle waves that rocked against the boat. At midnight the most beautiful of songs came on and they slow danced -- all of them -- Blair in Chuck's arms and Serena in Dan's and Jenny in Nate's.

Things were exactly the way they should be.

When Serena and Dan and Blair and Chuck left around two in the morning, Jenny chose to stay. Even after more than a month, Dan was still not accustomed to the fact that Nate and his sister were officially an item; Jenny was glad that he simply cast Nate a long warning look before he got off the boat. Nate and Jenny went out to sea once more, the boat floating lazily in the harbor, and they laid down on the deck. He pulled her into his arms, and she rested her head against his chest. Even weeks after his accident, she still was too afraid to put too much pressure on him. Nate rubbed her shoulder comfortingly and pointed to the sky.

"Your star," he reminded her, and Jenny spotted that one faint dot of light in New York's dirty sky. Jenny couldn't help but smile and murmured her thanks; she was about to lean in to kiss him when she paused.

"Nate -- what do I mean to you?" She asked, running her ringers through his hair once more as she hovered above him. They both recalled the time in the stairwell when he'd asked her that question and she'd said nothing, and then at the hospital when she'd said everything.

Nate breathed her in. "Everything -- for now and forever."

And then he kissed her until she could only see a thousand of those stars, all for her.

* * *

**Well this is it. The story is done. Thank you so much to everyone who commented, and to the awesome NJers at fanforum who never stopped supporting me with this. I was super disappointed with the lack of reviews for the chapter before this one -- maybe people just didn't see it or didn't like it -- so I didn't have much muse for this, which is why this is so late. As of now I have no plans for an sequel or another NJ story. It depends on the reviews I get for this chapter/story overall and how season 3 goes. Thanks so much once more to those who read this story!**


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